It's another night where I find myself unable to sleep and with tears in my eyes. There are so many things I want to express here and I will do my best but I know that some things, I just won't be able to put into words because sometimes, it's just so hard to express this sorrow that I'm feeling.

My dad called me just before midnight and although it was a good thing because I don't get to talk to him usually because I don't have international service and frankly it costs him a lot to call me even for a few minutes. My dad and I talked about how I'm feeling and the pain of losing so much and I tried to be strong because I didn't want him to worry but I could hear it in his voice that he felt so powerless being so far away. What I'm trying to express here is, in part what I told him tonight as well as how painful losing my baby has been to me. My dad and I don't get to talk much like I said and talking about this with him, was hard but he told me, that naturally I have loved them all so much because he said I was a kind, loving and a very good person with a big heart. My dad does know that very well...because he is my dad after all.

After that I tried to go to sleep but I have been unable and I'm in tears right now. It's been 372 days of suffering, sleepless nights and when I have been able to fall asleep, I've cried myself to sleep. While all this time I have been suffering and grieving, time has gone by but it hasn't healed my wounds.

And I know why...because my love for Bob was real and the only time I ever felt in my life that I truly, deeply loved and had found my soul mate. I knew it the day I first saw him and I didn't believe much in love at first sight. He said he loved me since that first moment as well. I could try to explain this love but I can't put it all into words and words won't do any justice to a love I have felt so deep within me, with the best and purest of intentions...so many dreams and hopes...everything felt like the way true love was supposed to feel like.

The hurt and the pain that followed is with me every day and it's not only because of him but because of losing Emily who stole my heart and I have loved so dearly and wanted to give her so much more and make a difference in her life, but I lost her as well...then losing my baby. I just can't put into words the pain this has caused me and how much I still grieve. Losing his family whom I loved as well was another huge blow to my life but the worst part of all of this, is to know that I have loved all of them so much and the way things have been and the way they all have been towards me has hurt me so, so much it has affected my life tremendously.

It's true what they say, that the ones you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most. And they all have hurt me so much for believing the worst of me among other actions they have done, they just have no idea how much this really hurts. They don't know that they are often in my thoughts and I ask God to protect them always. I still see things for little girls and I think of Emily right away and how she would like them and then I get sad because I can't do those things for her. I miss her so much, it hurts so much. Innocent angel who gave me so much love, how could she not have stolen my heart? Her hugs and I love yous were as wonderful as my son's are to me, because I saw her as if she was my own. I'm so heartbroken over losing her too...it hurts so much.

So my pain is huge, because I have had so much love for all of them, not just Bob; that it gets to the point where I cry and it feels like the air is leaving me...the pain of losing the ones you love is something so terrible, so painful.

I can't count the nights I have cried so much until I can't open my eyes and I have asked God why and how could evil have prevailed in this story which was the most beautiful and full of love and hope I ever experienced in my life and got tainted by the actions of people that wanted to hurt us and got what they wanted and in the end...

I close my eyes and I think of his family's smiles, their hugs, their warmth towards me...and I loved them all because I saw them as my family.

God knows I had nothing but love for all of them and good intentions and I meant everything I said and my feelings for all of them were true. I loved them so much and they will never know nor understand just how much. I can't count the nights I have thought of them and missed them, their faces, their gestures, their voices.

All I have is this pain, this hurt and heartbreak and my grief for a baby I never got to feel in my arms and this is still very hard for me.

I have asked God so many times to protect them regardless of the way they have treated me for believing wrong things about me...

My heart aches so much right now. They will never know just how much I have loved them and what they meant to me and what all this has done to my life.

Now I can't get my thoughts straight, I'm so overcome with tears and this grief.

I have to get up early to go judge my former master's tournament here in Springvale at the Nasson C. Center.

I'll write after that if I feel like it.

***9:31 p.m. I'm very tired but it was really good for my soul to see some of my friends at the tournament today. Attendance was not as high as in past years but you all know how tough the economy is. I've had a lot on my mind. I had a nightmare last night. I cried myself to sleep but only for very few hours and my nightmare was about Emily. I don't want to get into it but it was rather sad. She's always in my thoughts...I miss her so much.

***10:20 p.m. I just talked to my son, he's coming over again to stay here in a little while. I see him every day, we've been having dinner together pretty much every day. He's growing so much. He's what keeps me going, all I have left now. I tell him I love him every single day and he tells me the same. That's very important to me and I know it is for him. Our kids need to know every day that they are loved.

I'm glad you went to that tournament and that you saw so many people who think so highly of you because your a really great person Geneva. You know how tough I am but there are times when I must confess I break down and cry when I read your diary and because I know you don't deserve all this pain you have been put through by this con artist. I think he is a predator Geneva, honestly. I mean look at what he's done to you and how much he's hurt you and all the damage he caused to your life, his lies and abandonment when you needed him the most, making you suffer like this and hide behind B.S. to justify his lack of cojones my friend. I saw what he wrote to you the first day he contacted you when he found you and how he talked about respect and honesty...clearly he doesn't know the concept of those words because he treated you so bad and you did nothing but love him. We all know how much you really loved this man and what he meant to you. He got everything a man could ask for when he had you in his life-Derek wanted me to say this to you btw-and he really didn't need to look any further. You were honest with him, sincere, faithful, loving and real. It breaks my heart to see how much you suffer for his little girl too, I know how much you really love her and it's so unfair to her that he did this to you and to her as well.You have shed too many tears my friend, I wish I could say something to comfort you but sometimes I know I probably make you feel worse. I just get so angry at this guy for being such a jerk and such an idiot!