My son asked me to take him to Waterboro where we used to live to pick up his best friend since they were in 1st grade, Jon so I took him there, we picked him up, I ran into some old neighbors and I also talked to Jon's mom and it's amazing what you find out one way or another, sooner or later. Turns out that someone had told Jon's mom that my ex-husband(EJ), years ago when we were married living there, had told some people stuff to prevent me from becoming close friends with my son's friends' moms. It was all part of keeping me isolated. So when this person told this to her, she said no way, that she knew me to be a very kind, loving person, a great mom and what not and then that person said yeah, we know that now and that they felt stupid.

I kinda had a feeling he had done something like that but I wasn't sure. It upsets me but not so much anymore because I have forgiven my ex-husband already and I wish they had said this to her before because Jon's mom would've set the record straight right away. I hadn't been able to talk to her in a while and we talked quite a bit today. I told her I had withdrawn a lot from even some of my friends far away and she had stuff going on too. We always had our kids say hi to the other for us but we hadn't had the chance to talk so we caught up and I told her exactly everything that happened to me with Bob, my miscarriage and what he did to me and she was in disbelief. She's going to come visit me when she recovers from surgery, she had one today but she's home now.

The kids and I went to Vandy's to get something to eat. My son always liked that place and we don't get to go there often. I dropped them off at my ex-husband's. I'm not even going to get into it with him because I have forgiven him like I said. I'm glad he and I are at peace and he has been trying really hard to make up for all the pain he has caused me before and the things he did to me. So being civil to each other is a relief for me for our son's sake.

I know that some of you still don't understand why or how I'm able to do this after everything I've gone through but the thing that made me really forgive him was the day he took me to the hospital (not for my miscarriage because you all know I went through it alone when it got really painful and it was really happening), but the day I couldn't breathe and I was shaking and my body was numb...he was standing next to me in the E.R as they were treating me, giving me oxygen and a medication and he said that as I was drifting on to sleep with tears in my eyes he said I kept crying about my baby, that Eddie J didn't get to have a step-brother or sister nor Emily got to have the same and then I remember, not sure how long I was asleep; that I opened my eyes and he was in tears and he held my hand and he said he was so, so sorry for everything he did and sorry about the loss of Bob's and my baby. That's why I can't hold any ill will towards him, because I know he was being sincere. He also told me that day that he was so sorry that Bob was not there with me instead of him and for what Bob did to me too. He was very emotional. So that's why I can't hold a grudge against him. And of course the reason I have always been so forgiving towards him is because of our son who means the world to me, that's the biggest reason but that really made me accept his apology. I hope this makes it easier to understand why I don't even feel mad right now about what I was told today. My heart has had enough suffering. Enough pain and sadness. This grief for my baby will be with me forever.

I've been playing Everquest tonight to keep my mind occupied. I have a lot on my mind. So much sadness and grief and to come to the realization of some things that still affect me and hurt me so much.

I've been staying up late these days watching Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman back and forth, just for distraction and to let me mind stop thinking about stuff so much and just enjoy the comedy in both shows.

I'll write tomorrow.

Hon your the most wonderful human being I know, that's why your so amazing. I can't forgive like you but you have a bigger heart than me and you were raised with such good values that we lack here I'm ashamed to say. I know how hurt you feel and you know how much I hate bob for what he did to you. Yes we were all happy for you when everything was great and you were so incredibly happy planning the future with him, when he told you that you would be his wife and all that and it truly was a beautiful story, you know, the way you met even though he did stalk you for the longest time. I was glad to hear that he was so good to you and I was shocked when you told me what had happened when you were so sick and you didn't know for sure that it was due in part because you were losing your baby and you had just moved into your place(because he made you lose your other apartment!) and you got worried because he told you he was going to bring you water because you couldn't even get out of bed and he didn't show up, didn't call, nothing the next day and you got worried thinking that something happened to him and his daughter knowing the situation with his ex-wife. You loved them so much that you basically crawled out of bed, weak, dizzy, so sick and went there to make sure they were ok and you were about to pass out at his door and he screamed at you to go to the hospital because he wasn't a Dr. and that's how this coward treated you, as if you were not human. I can only imagine how you must've felt i know you were shocked and terrified due to his temper. the the email apologizing and all that b.s about having felt the need to do that to get the distance he needed to deal with his ex in court. No one, no one treats another human being the way he treated you!you were losing his baby and he was so cold about it!you went through it alone, remember that!remember he didn't even care about going with you to throw that rose out to sea in memory of your baby!he's a spineless bastard!rem