I haven't had much time to sit here and write but I'm glad to have become a part of the perfect place for me to be a stylist where I can really thrive and my talents are appreciated it and considered part of their culture. I love Aveda products which is what we have at the salon/spa, what they stand for, how they get their ingredients, the fact that they give back, they care about sustainability, the environment and what is actually in their products. They are pretty much 90% organic and I just love their philosophy. I had a wonderful class yesterday and I'm going to be busy at the Scarborough location next week and then I will be at the spa after that where I will be working from now on.

On another note, I had a tough time last night because of so many emotions so I cried a lot and felt really sad because I'm still grieving and last night was very difficult as many things went through my mind, I felt pain too, hurt and so much grief and it had been a while since I had a really, really bad moment like I did last night and those of you who are closest to me, know what this is like which started when I was going through my miscarriage and after the horrible way Bob treated me. A person can only take so much and you know I have tried to be strong all my life and I have endured a lot but this was the most devastating experience of my life as you know. Losing so much at once is so terrible.

I'm also so disgusted by what has been done to me and that whole thing about Bob looking for stupid skanks on personals(I don't feel sorry for those women like that anymore because they are just as bad as men are and maybe that's why they use personals, players just like men are, sluts who sleep around and don't care about who they hurt and so on) back then as soon as I was losing our baby and the fact that, that is what he does, paying $14 bucks a month to talk to some skank online to get her in bed...it's like the cheapest prostitution ring there is. Yeah I know it sounds extreme but think about it, think about all the men they hook up with under the umbrella of dating...and not to mention how quickly they jump in bed with guys they meet there so that should tell you something about what it's like. Desperation, being pathetic...yeah all that applies.

I was talking to Ryan and he keeps telling me that I can have any guy I want even though he knows I'm not like that. My soul and my feelings come first and I'm not going to disrespect my body because it is as much a part of my soul as the air I breathe...and no, I'm not a prude and I don't dislike intimacy and I won't get into explaining that part of me because those I have been in a relationship with know that, this is never an issue but I cannot just give myself to anyone when my heart is so full of pain. I honestly don't understand people that sleep with others for the heck of it without any meaning, without feeling anything for the other person. I guess it's because I see the bigger picture, I'm a deeper person and I'm more spiritual and to me, your body is something you should respect. I could not give it away to someone I don't love or care about...because I think you give a part of yourself...it is a gift of love, it is precious to me.

So many people lack of morals and values these days...funny he used to say he loved that about me...and I thought he was in some ways like me...turns out he was lying...he said he didn't sleep around...who knows how many more women "have touched him" since he was still with me and after me. That makes me sick to my stomach. I might write later. Not feeling well, I was actually feeling like crap last night too...

On another note, Alex will be here next weekend...

***1:25 p.m. Lori, you crack me up, I couldn't help but laugh at your comment below. You are so funny and I love the fact that you're such a loyal friend to me. And you're so right...huge difference as far as how he met me and how he meets these pathetic women.

Onto another thing: I was talking to my first love Andrew...he and I have been in contact all these years. We were so young and I thought I was going to marry him at some point but the distance was hard on us as he was going to college in Melbourne Fl and I was in college in Panama. We were on and off for like 2 1/2 years and I must say that we had really wonderful times, crazy spur of the moment adventures to beaches whenever we felt like going surfing, camped at the beach...went deep sea fishing with his family many times even if I'd get wicked sea sick hah hah. I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I caught a 45-lb wahoo and I thought it was heavy and then Andrew catches a 410 lb blue marlin that he fought for about an hour and it took another hour to get the damn thing on the boat. I remember his dad grabbing a baseball bat and knocking the poor fish out because he was done with the darn fish struggling when they were trying to get it on the boat and it's so dangerous too. Hardcore hah hah!We always talk about old times and laugh about the crazy things we did, funny stuff with our friends and how wonderful it was every time he would go visit me because we hadn't seen each other for a while so it was madness...such youthful passion! So we share a huge bond because of our relationship, his family, the times we shared, the fun we had, our friends and young love after all. It is because of all this, as he said, that we still talk to each other about everything and have been all these past 15 years since we broke up. He's married, has 2 kids and lives in Arizona now which has always been hard for me to understand because he's always been such a fish in the ocean!Surfing, scuba diving, snorkeling, going fishing for days at a time on his boat just for fun, going snorkeling around islands along the way so many times and now he's landlocked!

Andrew is an american but he grew up in Panama, went to school there too. While I was going to one catholic school, he was going to the other until his dad sent him to Valley Forge Military Academy. I remember how crazy I was about him since I was like 14 years old but I was too shy to even talk to him and I'd literally run away every time anyone tried to introduce me to him until I was 18, in college and he happened to be visiting and I ran into a friend of mine who was visiting too and asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat and hang out with some of his friends and little did I know, that Andrew was one of them hah! You should've seen my face when I was finally introduced to him and I couldn't run away lol We had a great time all of us that night and Andrew was smitten by me I guess, so he took me home and as I was about to get out of the car he asked if he could take me out the following day and see me again and I said sure...the next day he shows up to pick me up, we go out, have fun, ran into our friends, had a great time with them and when he was going to take me home we drove to this really nice place by this pond and we were looking at the stars and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I almost died, my all time dream come true since I was 14 lol. But the reality was he was going to college in Fl and I was in Panama and I was hesitant and I expressed my concerns but he insisted and said he'd come visit me, he'd call, write and insisted so much I gave in and said yes! heh heh He says he never really saw me before(gee that's because I literally ran away every time I knew he was around hah hah!) and he fell for me the moment our friend said Andrew, this is Geneva, isn't she just beautiful! and he says he was like oh my god wow I'm in love hah hah!

And we were crazy about each other...but it was so hard being away from each other. But here we are, after all these years, still talking to each other here and there about our lives, kids...our lives. He likes to say that Bob is a tool and when he says that it makes me think that maybe Andrew was british in another lifetime because he likes to use that word a lot. We talked the day before yesterday online and texted each other yesterday when I got out of class. Anyways...I got hurt in our relationship because he ended up cheating on me with his neighbor in Fl and I found out about it(yep in this life everything comes out) so that's what ended our relationship but the distance was a huge factor too.

Wow girl that salon/spa looks amazing, saw the photos and now I want to go to Maine to spend a day at that spa!Good for you, that's def. you!I'm glad you got the job you really wanted!Don't even think about that shit regarding bob he's a loser i can just picture him saying when people ask him oh where did you meet her(redneck barbie with the horses up her ass rflmao)? and how pathetic and ridiculos his answer will be, oh i found her on an online personals' site and i paid 14 bucks to get laid with her. hows he gonna introduce her to mommy now? yah some romantic story that is vs how he met you and how beautiful your story with him was since the moment you met each other hah!thats not gonna last so no worries clearly that bitch is an easy lay and clearly as dumb as it gets so hah hah!Derek sends his best wishes and congrats for this fantastic opportunity, Aveda products are great and I'm sure your excited about working with those!btw i want you to post this on your myspace blog or i'll kick your butt lol!we love you and miss you girl!

hi sweetie im really glad you had fun at your class yesterday and that your excited about getting the job you really wanted. you deserve it.the photos of that place look awesome hell i want to go there too so you can give me a scalp massage you got the best hands sweetie!your friend cracks me up too thats so f**ing funny but hey its so true i know maine and how some women are. i gotta tell you something i didnt really get the chance to say to you thanks to you i learned to be a real man and you inspired me to be a better person im sure thats why you still talk to some of us your ex-boyfriends like your first one because even if we didnt fully deserve someone as beautiful as you, you have the biggest heart i have ever known.im sure he thinks you will always be special to him because your unique.just like your so special to me and unforgettable in many ways.im so honored that you allowed me to be a part of you and your life at one point and that you let me remain in your life now as your friend.bob really doesnt know what a big f***ing mistake he made by letting you go and screwing up this bad.he is a loser looking for women on personals, doesnt get any more pathetic than that sweetie he aint a real man and all those women he gets there are really stupid and easy lays for sure i know stories hah hah those ugly mutts cant even hold a candle to you.your beauty is above them, beyond this world because its inside and out. your unforgettable to me sweetie, your a woman in every way...and that body of yours is worthy of worship!man your latest photos are amazing, they make a man feel nothing cheap but almost like a spiritual experience. i learned so much from you and i will always be thankful to you for giving me so much and teaching me so much!i miss you!i hope your feeling better and that it didnt get so bad last night you have suffered more than enough.