I have tried to write here in the last few days only to just delete everything before even hitting the "post" button.

I have been busy at the spa and that's going well, getting used to new things, new system and what not. The Aveda class I went to in Cambridge was great and I can't wait for the next class. I really love what I do.

I was working today and Jamie trimmed my ends which I really needed as I had waited a while to get a trim and my hair looks awesome today. She is fantastic. We had a little lunch and gathering for Carrie as she is close to having her baby. I'm happy for her but at the same time, I feel sadness for my baby whom I never got to hold in my arms. This is still so hard for me as well as so many memories...

I have a lot of mixed emotions about what Bob did to me ranging from disbelief, wondering how could he do this to me, treat me the way he did after saying I was the love of his life...to see what a terrible travesty this is and what it all came to...sometimes I feel like I'm having a nightmare and I want to wake up but it's not happening, it's very real.

My pain and my grief is very real.

The holidays are approaching and I dread it so much because they have never been all that great for me since I was little...something bad always happened around that time pretty much and I feel so sad...so much loneliness. To think that I was looking forward to a good Christmas with Bob and Emily as well as time with my son too. It would've been wonderful and he joked around me putting a massage table I wanted on my Christmas list...I can't believe he has done all the things he's done to me.

One thing is for sure, no one has inflicted more pain and suffering to my life as he has...that's why this is still so hard...the lies, the mistreatment while I was going through so much physical and emotional pain because I was losing them and my baby too.

I miss Emily so much too, I cry for her at times because I wish I could hold her and see her smiles, hear her voice and do all the things I wanted to do with her, things I wanted to teach her and play with her. It breaks my heart so much. That's another reason why this is just so terrible, so unfair and uncalled for.

I am a good person and I didn't deserve what he did to me just because he wanted to justify his actions that destroyed my life, my heart and my dreams.

I'm having a hard day I guess...it's so terribly cold out too...just like my heart feels right now...

Perhaps, I'll write later. I'm very sad right now.

***9:55 p.m. I just dropped my son off at his dad's not long ago. We had dinner and we were talking about his hair. He's always had short hair but it seems all teens these days are growing their hair out! He doesn't want me to cut it and I am trying to convince him that he has to let me trim it at least. Oh boy, teenagers! heh. Anyways, he's going to let me do a scalp treatment/massage on him tomorrow so maybe I can get him to let me cut his hair. He's growing so much...my little man is not so little anymore!

I have so much on my mind right now. I think I'm going to watch TV for a little bit or read. I don't know. I'm just so sickened by everything that Bob has done and has done to me. I trusted him so much and he betrayed me. Someday, I know that someday he will regret all the pain he's caused me, the tears, the humiliation he tried to submit me to, the horrible words and treatment...but it just might be too late.

I wish there was a time machine so I could go back in time to avoid allowing him into my life...it would've saved me all this pain and grief or that none of this had happened.
In one moment a person or an event can destroy your life forever, all it takes is seconds, moments...and it can take a lifetime to recover or you don't recover at all. People like that have no conscience nor respect for others and their lives, their feelings, emotions and their hearts. Someday...someday...

I have this huge hole inside of me, such a huge sense of emptiness, pain, disappointment and disbelief...I know deep down inside, that I will never recover from what he has done to me. So many unanswered questions, so many lies on his part...deceit, cruelty. I'll never forget this.

hi sweety sorry i missed your call i know how you feel right now and i wish there was something i could do to take your pain away. i know some people think you need to try to move on but they really dont know you the way i do. i understand why its hard because your a special woman who doesnt jump into things so easily. i wanted to tell you some things on the phone but i held back and i decided i should tell you here. i know you already know this in your heart but i think you need to hear it or read it from me. Geneva, bob is gonna regret all this shit big time and hes gonna kick himself for losing you. forgive me for what im about to say and reveal about you and what we had when you were my girlfriend and for how i felt after i lost you to this day you are the most amazing woman i ever had in my life in all departments no one is as loving, selfless and giving like you. you always took good care of me and you gave me so much and im ashamed that i gave you so little. i was young and stupid i guess but you made me grow up and i needed to lose you to really appreciate what i had with you and i regret it but you are so kind to keep me in your life as your friend and confident. i can say this because i know that no woman will ever satisfy him because i know just how good you are, what a great lover you are and i dont mean it in a disrespectful way but in the most beautiful way.you really do give yourself and you do make love with everything you have and i have to say that im jealous of bob because im sure he had it even better with you because you really loved this man with your heart and soul. you gave me so much loving me in a different way, i can only imagine how good he must have had it with you.what a fool!but i can assure you he remembers that and will continue to remember for the rest of his life because if i cant forget it he wont.maybe thats why hes so desperate to keep going from one woman to another, because hes trying to get what you gave him but he cant and h

hey Ryan Geneva has told me a lot about you and I'm glad you have remained such a good friend to her. I'm glad you appreciate her. BTW(with my boyfriend's permission)your a hottie hah hah I can see why Geneva finally gave in. She told me she didn't want to get involved with you but you were so persistant! hah hah!You 2 are so cute and have great bods, I'm sure there were fireworks when you were together ;) lol