- Mood: Thoughtful
- Music: Biagio Antonacci-A Volte
I know I haven't written here in so long because I simply didn't really want to and I've been occupied with many other things going on in my life right now but now, as I have a quiet moment, I decided to put into words these thoughts that were just crossing my mind.
No other events in my life have changed me or affected me so much as to what Bob McGrath did to me and how he destroyed my dreams, my life, my hopes and took away so many things I had in me that made me who I was, the type of person I was really proud of being and now, I feel like so much of that was lost just like I lost our baby...that was the day a huge part of me died.
I'm still a very caring, compassionate and loving person but I know that I have a wall around me which is perhaps in place to protect whatever is left of me and I know I do it unconsciously. I miss being the way I was, who I was because all my life, I tried to be a good person, very loving and dedicated to others...devoted.
There were so many things I used to do to express that part of me and I know I lost them when he took them from me. I will never be the same. I might be able to continue being a shadow of who I was and I thank God for those who understand this about me and support me, love me and care about me no matter what because they know that what was done to me, changed me forever. What this man did to me was downright evil.
I have a lot of grief to deal with still, because losing a baby is so devastating...I also have a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. I hope that in time those things will go away. I have never been able to really hate anyone but I hope that one day when those feelings finally go away; that I will be able to hate Bob because if anyone in this world deserves to be hated is him. I will never forget what he did to me, his lies, empty promises, his cruelty, coldness, disregard for me as a human being and the life of OUR baby...maybe someday.
Things are very tough right now like they are for many people in this country and I'm dealing with some health issues. I'm thankful for the support and love I'm getting in my life right now. For that unconditional understanding and support after all this horrible nightmare I've gone through.
My son is growing so much. We celebrated his 15th birthday this past weekend and I'm amazed to see how time flies. My dog Nikki is still hanging there but she's so old and having a really tough time some days with the stairs in this place. She's still as loving and loyal as ever.
Some days I feel really discouraged because of how hard things are for everybody and for me especially.
Sometimes life comes full circle...another ex of mine reached out to me and apologized again for cheating on me and not being a good boyfriend to me...I bear no ill will towards him, I forgave him a long time ago...at least he didn't do evil things to me unlike Bob.
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