- Mood:
- Music: Nocturne in E Flat Major-Chopin
It's been a really long time since I've written here. Mostly due to just not wanting to write for a while. This was my outlet to document my pain, my suffering in the hands of such a cruel and evil human being, to express my feelings about the loss of my baby. I will probably come back to write here again sometime when I want to express anything that has to do with this terrible chapter of my life that I wish never happened...
I will always grieve for that loss and I will never forget what happened or what was done to me.
So many things changed in me and it's such a shame that I had given the very best of me and all that love to someone who never deserved it. I was left with deep wounds and many scars now.
In just a few days, it will be another year of that fateful day when he came into my life and destroyed me and took so much from me. I wish I had never gone that day to the grocery store, I wish I had never replied to his message...
These past couple of years have been the hardest and most devastating in my life and I have struggled in many ways in different aspects of my life.
I have been blessed to have found support from those who care about me and I've continued my training in martial arts even though it was hard at times after experiencing such terrible loss. Due to life's circumstances, I'm back to where it all began...with my first master but this time at his now not so new school and his kindness, support and belief in me mean the world to me. I no longer train with my previous master. I'm a lot closer to my school now and I'm more involved with the school and also assisting with teaching classes.
Things are great with my son, he has grown so much and I love him more than any words can say.
I must say that these past months, the support and help I've gotten from my ex-husband EJ has been wonderful and it's been such a blessing.
EJ told me he got one of those random emails about those ridiculous online dating sites and he saw a woman we both know to be a major ...well you get the idea and he called me laughing to tell me all about it and said he wouldn't be surprised if Bob hasn't already hooked up with her because he goes through those women like he changes clothes every day. That's what he does, just like those people that use those sites, it's all so disgusting. I actually know someone that is supposedly engaged and frequents those sites...it's really disgusting but then again, the majority of people there are not really single and if they are, they are promiscuous; liars and cheaters use those sites. EJ was joking about getting on those sites because those women in there serve only one purpose and it's not a relationship but rather...you get the idea. Many men will lie to women and lead them to think they want a relationship but all they want is to serve their own selfish purposes while sleeping around with others at the same time.
I realized what kind of person Bob really is when I found out accidentally that he had been and I'm sure continues to use those sites because I have been told that he has gone through quite a lot of women he meets there. Gross!
I will never forget all the hell I was put through and the pain, all the tears I cried, the nightmares and the huge sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Although I feel like a part of me is gone, I know in my heart I was honest, truthful and loyal unlike him. I know I did my best and I gave it all. My conscience is clear.
Grieving for my baby is still a part of me but I find comfort sometimes, when I think about a dream/vision I had where my baby spoke to me and she was a a girl, she took the form of a little girl to be able to talk to me or I think that's the way she would've looked like had she lived...so I know in my heart, that she was a girl now. She told me many things and to rest assured that she was ok...I try to hold on to that, to find comfort and peace and I do hope that she is resting in peace. She had my eyes and the same color of my hair but she looked a little bit like Emily...
Emily...I will always love her and miss her...like my own daughter.
Now I'm at a loss for words...I wanted to write and I should've since it's been so long but the words just can't seem to come out at this very moment.
I'm bound by gratitude to those who have been really, really there for me. I will never forget this.
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