- Mood: Contemplative
- Music: Skye-Powerful
I know I don't write here that much anymore but in all this time, although I still grieve for my baby, I have found comfort thinking that somehow, she is ok. Again, I think of my baby as a girl since I had that dream/vision and since then, I felt more comfort thinking that she is ok. I still wish I had her and I imagine her with the same color of my hair and resemblance to Emily and yes, of course a bit of Bob because after all it was his baby too.
To be honest, I still have nightmares about him and how much pain he caused me. There's no doubt that he changed my life forever and I have never been the same since then.
I am trying to rebuild my life but it's not so easy and I know that there are some things that were forever lost and I am afraid, I cannot recover.
I was up late last night and my dog Brady was so cute snuggling with me. As some of you know, my beloved Nikki passed away on July 9th which is such a terrible date because that's the same date Bob and I became a couple. I miss Nikki so much but I believe she had a "paw" in me getting Brady and he has stolen my heart and is such a wonderful companion. As I was petting him at around 1 a.m or so I had a feeling that for some reason, good or bad, I was in Bob's mind at that moment which is odd. Who knows, the way things were with us always seemed to be more than coincidences...I believed in everything he said to me about us being together in another lifetime and being soul mates and all those incredibly romantic things...so sad to think that perhaps it was all a lie, part of his game and I wonder if he says the same things to others.
At least my conscience is clear, I meant everything I ever said to him and my feelings were real. It's a shame that Bob McGrath doesn't know what honesty means.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what lies ahead of me and if the path I'm following is right...
I felt uneasy last night. I don't know why but it was something deep within me, something almost psychic, spiritual, I'm not even sure...it was confusing but it was clear to me that for some reason, I felt I was on his mind. Again, I don't know if for good or bad...although after all he's put me through...
These last days have been a bit difficult. I'm still having trouble sleeping and I think it has a lot to do with my fear of having more nightmares. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep but my own body fights it unconsciously I think, I literally get jumpy as if trying not to fall asleep...it's so difficult.
No Taekwondo this week. My instructor is on vacation. It will be nice to go back to classes next week.
I'm going through some difficult times right now and things are tough for me personally. Sometimes I feel so spent and so disappointed.
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