From my photo shoot with M. Jones. All Rights Reserved.
Welcome to my diary, please share your thoughts with me. I've suffered a lot, I've been betrayed in the worst possible way, been hurt beyond anything that words can express and evil deeds got in the way of the man who said he loved me so much, that I was his soul mate, the love of his life and his future wife: Bob McGrath. I still can't believe that he was capable of doing the things he did to me. He has hurt me deeply. I had a miscarriage. This was Bob's and my baby. I'm deeply, terribly hurt and grieving so much for the loss of our baby. I'm an honest person; integrity, kindness and truth are the core of who I am.
You may not copy any of my photos without my permission. Copyright Tom Couture, EJ, M. Jones.
Bob and I
This is the trailer for the upcoming indie movie Bullet 17 where I played a KGB agent. I'm the one in the Black Hummer with the gun being really bad heh heh.
I know I don't really write anymore and that's because I keep a lot to myself and have been for quite some time.
I'm not really going to write much right this moment but I might soon.
Soon, it will be another year since I had a miscarriage. That's something I will never forget and will stay with me forever.
You can't just forget something like that. Everything that happened to me 4 years ago was life-changing...some hurts go too deep. You go on but the scars are buried deep within you. Sometimes I still have nightmares about it and I hear those cruel words that cut me so deeply as if it was just yesterday...It doesn't happen all the time, but from time to time and it's so incredibly hard and sad at the same time when it does.
***10/3/2011
Because I haven't written here in so long, I must say that a miscarriage is something you will always remember your entire life. I'm ok in some sense because I found solace in the thought of my baby being ok in heaven. As far as him...I loved him yes, I meant everything I ever said to him but he killed my love and transformed it into loathing. No matter what happens, sooner or later, I'm sure that Karma will do its job...but I'm not preoccupied with such things, I don't waste my time thinking about that at all and I could care less what happens to him anymore.
I just know that people who do bad deeds, get what they should get one way or another and there is always divine justice. I'm better off without someone so cruel and so full of lies. He never deserved me and I'm fine without him. The times I saw him in the past made it hard because it reminded me of all the pain and all the hell I was put through, not because I still loved him. My love died. I'll never forgive what he did to me. I have forgiven a lot of things, a lot of people but what he did to me is something no one could forgive and rightly so. I can hold my head up high and my conscience is clear. He is irrelevant and represents the worst in humanity in my book. I'm really ok now. He is nothing to me, nothing.
In some ways, things have changed. After everything I was put through and all the pain and suffering caused by this, the most awful experience in my life, I have changed in some ways.
I was just thinking about all this today and how I no longer tolerate some things and I don't have much patience anymore. The moment I feel something is not right, I simply go with that first instinct. I don't have a lot of patience these days either. I think that my heart has definitely become harder and sure, some things do hurt but I'm not affected by things that happened last year for example and I find myself cutting people off my life if I don't think something is right. I just don't have patience nor the desire to be put through the same things I went through before and my feelings changed a lot. Some say I'm stronger...I just think I'm not the same and I knew I'd never be the same when I was so cruelly treated and hurt the way I was hurt by Bob. My engagement afterwards, was so not right, it doesn't even affect me and it's not relevant in my life.
I have a big wall around me and that's just the way it is.
Of all the lies and the betrayals I have dealt with, nothing compares to what I went through with him. Soon it will be another sad reminder of my miscarriage and I am left with that grief forever as well as the horrible memories.
I do find comfort thinking that my baby is resting in peace and also in the fact that I was always true to my feelings and my heart. I meant everything I said...It's impossible to believe he didn't lie to me...I will always think that he is full of lies and deceit. Trusting people now is extremely hard.
I'm ok and I have been for quite some time, I have come a long way. I am strong but a lot of that comes from having felt the pain I have felt and having been betrayed the way I was betrayed. For no other betrayals in my life have cut me so deeply as this one. I always knew this would stay with me forever...some hurts go too deep and they never fully heal.
Anyways, I'm doing what needs to be done. My heart is not the same...nor will it ever be the same. A lot was stolen from me.
The Irony of this video...I met him at the grocery store...everything was so wonderful. Who would've thought it would become the nightmare it became...
Why oh why does this happen always at certain times?!
Mood:
Music:Another Little Hole-Aqualung
Mille lacrime cadute ed io inchiodato a te...
I have been asking the same question time after time. Why does it always have to happen at around the time we met or at around the time he broke my heart and changed my life forever.
I can't even put it all into words right now but this always happens and I can't help but think of the "signs" and circumstances, the miracles as he used to call them that we always used to talk about that brought us together.
It's really late and some things came to my mind, memories and words. I remember everything and I also remember what I said and that I meant it...I knew everything had changed when Bob hurt me the way he did and I knew that I would never be able to feel the way I felt for him for anyone, that I wouldn't be able to really trust anyone again nor give so much out of me because he had taken it all already. That holds true to this day and just as I had said to him how much I loved him many times and that he was the love of my life. I meant all of it.
It's really hard to feel like someone pours acid in wounds that never fully healed and you feel the pain all over again because you remember such pain as if it was yesterday. I was trying to sleep and he came into my mind, I remember my disappointment to realize that his concept of love and me being the love of his life was so temporary. There was never any temporary in my love for him.
Some people ask me how I'm doing after my engagement ended...I tell them I'm fine and I really am because the truth is, I didn't feel the kind of love I felt only once in my life and that was for Bob. I am relieved that I found out what I found out and didn't make the mistake of marrying someone that was so wrong for me because I wanted to try to rebuild my life and all that but that was wrong because in my heart, I knew things had changed so much when my love was taken away from my soul.
It has been a while since I have cried like I just did remembering all the things I had to go through with Bob and the pain of not only him breaking my heart the way he did, but all the things he did to me to destroy me and break me with his actions. How can anyone ever forget anything like that? I also remember the loss of our baby all the time which is something that I know, will stay with me forever although I found peace and comfort since the night I had a dream/vision or whatever it was where I saw my baby's face and that it was a girl and she was comforting me. Since that day, I felt more peace in my heart and I thank God for giving me that peace. Still...that loss, tied to him and everything I went through, will be with me forever.
Sometimes I look back and wonder so many things...and I still wonder why some times, I feel like I am still on his mind even though I really have no idea how or why or if it's for good or bad.
I have been through a lot in my life and I have been hurt so much and some people have done some really awful, painful things to me but I have forgiven them. So many people are amazed to see the friendship I have with my ex-husband after all the stuff he did to me to hurt me as well...yes, I am very forgiving but he has also showed me that he regrets doing those things and to have hurt me so much and for not doing better as he said in his own words...I am so glad that there is so much peace between us and that he saw how much it all affected me. As I sit here, I am shedding tears still because the moment that things really turned around and made him understand me finally after so long, was one day when he saw me going through my grief over losing my baby and his tears for my loss and for my pain and he said that he was so, so sorry for everything and that I had to go through all of that completely alone...
Since that day, he really changed and I am so relieved that he is my friend now and that there is peace now. Yes, there's still a part of me capable of forgiving...I have forgiven many people that have done things to hurt me when they have asked for forgiveness and I know that they really meant it when they said they were sorry.
So here I am, expressing how I feel tonight and why I'm up this late and can't sleep...because some memories still haunt me...and there are so many unanswered questions, the biggest one is why. Some memories make me miss things so much...I also miss Emily. I often think of her and pray to God for her protection and well being always. I miss her so much...I also miss him, but the Bob that was good to me, the one who said I was the love of his life...the sweet man I loved like no one in my life...but that's someone that I think he fabricated...the real person he is, turned out to be so cruel, uncaring and vicious and he marked my life forever. For that, I shed tears tonight...for the memories...good and bad...and because I will never know if the good ones were ever real.
Last night, I got that strange feeling when you feel freaked out for no reason, like you feel something weird and you get sudden chills and I don't know why. Strange. One person came into my mind(yeah the same one that gives me those goosebumps and weird sensations out of the blue from time to time, you all know who) at that moment and it was confusing and rather upsetting as usual. Like, what the heck? and why? ugh!
I was so tired after work that I fell asleep earlier than usual which is good. My cute Brady was snuggling with me as usual! I really love him! He's such a great dog! He makes me happy.
I've been enjoying my walks to and from the salon. It's been so nice lately and I like the fact that it's so close to home. Every time I come home Brady attacks me with puppy kisses LOL.
It's been so cool to have been going to a few tournaments with my instructor as well as other fellow Black Belts from my school to judge and working out with our competition team as well. We had an awesome Black Belt workout in Saco a couple of Saturdays ago and it was really cool...it was so awesome to see some of my fellow martial artists I hadn't seen in a while.
I'm tired right now but not sleepy yet. I need a massage so bad! I could really use one!
I was supposed to try and sleep early because I'm really tired but I can't because I feel really uneasy right now and something happened today, that made me realize that there are still some things that still affect me...as if it was still raw and I felt mad and sad at the same time.
I know now, in fact, I knew then, that I would never be the same. My whole world came crashing down when he did what he did to me. I'll never forget how much that hurt... Trying to get on with my life didn't work...I wasn't supposed to perhaps. I know what's in my heart and it will always be that way.
Those ridiculous and pathetic online dating sites...I have no respect for anyone who uses them and men as well as women are just as bad. Many of them are even in relationships already, engaged (just like Chris was to me) or even married and it's only a medium for people to hook up. So gross. In my case, this has happened to me twice where they were using them and I realized what was going on. So yeah when I caught Chris doing this knowing how much I loathe those sites and what they represent, it was over right away. But you know, it goes beyond that. I don't tolerate that. And the woman he was communicating with did find out he was engaged but didn't even care and continued. It's ok, sooner or later there's always karma.
I'm glad he's out of my life though. What Bob did to me changed me forever and I couldn't tolerate anything like this. As far as my ex-fiancee, I'm fine, I don't feel anything but despise towards him and his betrayal. Thank God I caught him before I made the mistake of marrying him!
I've said this so many times before, there are many males in this world, very few men and a handful of gentlemen.
Again, I have no respect for people who are into that kind of stuff, it's pathetic. They go through so many people it's so disgusting and gross!
Yesterday, Brady and I had a nice time walking and he had a blast. He was really tired when we got home. Although he is my wonderful companion, I do feel loneliness especially at night...there are so many things I miss. So many things I wonder and wish I knew why. So I have an odd feeling right now and I'm not sure why.
For a really long time now, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping and when I have so much on my mind, I can't seem to turn off my brain. I was trying to fall asleep while petting Brady but I just couldn't and unfortunately, my thoughts drifted to bad memories.
I felt sad because I feel so alone right now and that reminded me of the times I felt the loneliest..times when I really needed someone I trusted to be there for me but that didn't happen. It's bad enough to feel alone at any time but it's so much worse when you are in a hospital.
I remembered how I felt a few years ago when I was so ill and I went through my miscarriage as well. It was so hard to go through those things alone. Then I thought about how most recently, when I had my last procedure a few months ago and I came out of anesthesia and Chris had disappeared and they were trying to find him/call him for quite a long time. Little did I know that day why he disappeared...until I found out about him cheating on me the following day while I was here at home recovering and still drowsy from the pain medication. I felt so alone.
All my life, I've gone through difficult times and I have been through them alone for the most part. I have tried to be strong and to get through things and I have gone on but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt to feel like I couldn't really count on anyone.
I'm weary of things, I'm weary of promises that people make and they don't keep. I wish they wouldn't say things they don't mean or intend to do.
Right now, my loneliest thought is the fact that my heart died more than 2 years ago...a part of me was taken, a part that I'm never going to get back. A part of my soul was taken and it will be away from me forever. Sometimes I feel numb. Bob really hurt me and affected my life with all the pain he brought into it. He hurt me more than he'll ever know and the reason why it hurt even more, is because he was the love of my life.
How I wish that part of me was still with me and that it hadn't been taken away...tonight, I'm haunted by those bad memories and I can't help thinking about that. I wish I could just erase those memories but that's impossible. It's not so easy to forget those things that were so painful and traumatic in my life.
I'm facing really difficult times right now completely on my own and I'm scared...I'm so, so afraid of what's going to happen to me and to realize that once again, I'm all alone facing the unknown...
How I wish things could've been different but it was just a dream...how wonderful it would've been if it were only true...but like I said, my heart died with that dream more than 2 years ago.
Today was one of those days when I was thinking about the time of the great generation of the 30s and 40s. Well, actually since yesterday so I made a playlist with some of the songs I remember from movies and what not. What a great generation that is indeed. I wish I had lived through those times...even if it was such a rough time because of WWII. I think so highly of those who lived through all that. I also love the music...so heartfelt and romantic...indeed, very much like the true gentlemen and also the ladies that lived through those times. Where are the true gentlemen? I have yet to meet one in this lifetime. Many women have forgotten to behave like ladies. It melts my heart when I see those really old couples holding hands and loving each other after so many years. I've always wanted that in my life. I wanted to grow old with someone and love endlessly. I'm such a hopeless romantic indeed...I'm living in the wrong times, I've always said it.
Well, I'm looking forward to going to my color certification class in March and I hope things change and get better.
God knows I've been through so many awful things, so many hardships and really terrible things in the last few years. I'm hanging in there, just trying to get on with my life and taking one day at a time.
I have been betrayed so much and in so many ways by people I trusted and loved and that has hurt me deeply, more than I can express. Yes, I feel so terribly lonely and a part of me still feels things from the past that you just can't shut out and I know why. I knew it would be that way...it's because it was supposed to be that way. Sometimes it's difficult to realize just how much really vicious words and actions can hurt someone so much, especially when you had opened up your heart and your life to someone so much; when you had trusted someone so much and for that person to turn around and not only hurt you, but harm you so deeply by betraying that trust and using your difficulties, your sorrows, your pain to wound you even more, to try to break you because they know how deeply that hurts and how that can affect someone's life and they do such things just so they can try and justify their wrongdoings and make themselves feel better or to look better in the eyes of someone else. But one must wonder, if they could do those things to someone they claimed to have loved and cared about, how are they going to treat others?
It hasn't been just Bob or Chris that have hurt me, but even some "friends", people I got close to and I opened up to them and they turned around and used my sorrows, fears and pain to hurt me, to throw it in my face. Words cut really deep. You could kick me, punch me and I might take it, I know it will heal...but words...actions...those can stay with you for a lifetime. People just don't think about how much they can hurt someone or how much pain they can cause somebody with their actions, especially when they are cruel, vicious and downright low. People who I trusted and confided in, and they turned around and spilled my personal tribulations to others that had no business knowing about my life but then used that to hurt me. Betrayal from "friends" and loved ones hurts.
I had pictured my life in such a different way at that time and then, when I tried to pick up the pieces and rebuilt it, and it turned out to be much different than I thought and here I am...once again alone. Men just don't respect women the way those men did back in those days. Not only do they hurt women, lie, cheat but sometimes, they harm them with their words and actions. It shouldn't be that way but then again, men have forgotten what it's like to act like a true gentleman and act like real men. To be fair, women behave just as bad and they have forgotten to respect others' lives and relationships as well as themselves. They lie and cheat too. They don't care if a man is in a relationship, engaged, married or even if he is sleeping with others too. These are sad times we're living in. My Brady is such a wonderful dog and I love having him in my life as a companion. His love and loyalty are a comfort to me. Pets are really family.
I was thinking about Emily today...and how much I miss her. She must be getting so big...I really do miss her and still love her with all my heart. It always broke my heart so much to be taken away from her life so suddenly and the way it happened. I still think of how she was learning things from me, like picking up Spanish words and trying to do Taekwondo whenever I was stretching my legs and kicking. She would be so great at it...I had hoped to teach her so much more. I was thinking of my dream/vision many months ago when I saw my baby and realized it was a girl and she looked a lot like her but also like me and her dad. I still grieve but I also found so much comfort in that dream/vision.
I hope this Friday things go well for me.
Eddie J is as great as always, growing so much...I can't believe he will be 16 next month...it seems like only yesterday, he was a baby in my arms. I miss those times so much but he will always be my baby even when he is an adult.
As I finish writing here for today, I'm thinking of one of my favorite movies which I haven't been able to watch even though I own it, because I would just fall apart and I couldn't handle it but I'll try to watch it again maybe tomorrow: The Notebook.
I've been up all night and for the last several hours, I've had many thoughts going through my mind that I will attempt to put in writing now.
I feel so alone right now and so sad and that's what's truly in my heart right now, thinking about the fact that my heart has been broken for a few years now and the truth is, it hasn't really mended by now and I am not sure if it ever will.
I used to think that I had found true love, that fairy tale that all of us foolish romantics dream about and I remember how happy I was at the time and how much I believed that my past life soul mate had found me in this lifetime again. I really believed in that and even more so, when he told me he believed it too. I remember those words as if it was yesterday. I really believed in all those moments of sheer happiness and infinite love...but sadly, it was only a dream that turned into a nightmare...it was true love but only on my part. I wanted to believe he loved me so much but he didn't and my life was never the same after that.
I tried so hard to pick up the pieces and tried to rebuild what was left of my life, only to be betrayed again. Deep down in my heart I knew that things could never be the same for me but I wanted to try. I had to.
I was up all night the night before so out of pure exhaustion, I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and in my dreams, I saw him yet once again. All these years I've had nightmares and dreams that perhaps reflect what my soul most desired only to wake up to realize that my today, my reality is so different now...so sad and full of heartbreak. I wish I could describe what I dreamed about but I have to keep that locked away in my heart because it was just wishful thinking and I know it was just a dream.
Now I'm having a hard time expressing everything that I'm thinking about and shedding tears is making it even harder...all I ever wanted was to love and be loved, to grow old with someone who cherished me, respected me, understood me and let me be there for him as well as be there for me, someone who'd let me be a part of his life and who would be glad to have me love him with all my might and that he would do the same. That impossible dream...something I've always wanted and it seems I will never have.
I feel such deep sadness right now because I wish I had those things I long for, because I wish I could be feeling safe in someone's arms but I'm not, I don't have that kind of love in my life and that is sad. A life without love, is truly sad. We were not created to be alone, yet I have felt alone all my life. The only time I didn't, I was living in a dream, I wanted to believe but it wasn't real, it was a lie because he didn't really love me, he lied to me and I don't believe now that he ever meant anything he ever said to me when he said he loved me and that I was the love of his life...
I had so, so much to give and I had the best intentions. I tried to go on with my life and I wanted for things to work out with Chris too and I was willing to marry him but he betrayed me and lied to me and behaved dishonorably as well. It hurts that he lied too.
My heart hasn't mended...I'm still such a lonely soul...hurt by many but really, really ravaged by one, though: Bob.
Currently reading:Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer again heh
I'm trying to hang in there. Right now I have a lot on my plate. I wish my car would get fixed soon because that's the first step or at least one of the most important ones to be able to get back up on my feet.
I've been exhausted due to not sleeping much just thinking about stuff and being worried. I had to do a few things today and although I got some things done, I am feeling a bit impatient because it seems like I didn't make any progress. Hopefully I'll get a much needed call from one of the salons I'm interested in because I really want to and can only work close to home for now but I'm a bit scared because I'd have to booth rent but we'll see what the owner says when we meet, she told me they always help out their stylists in their salons starting out etc.
I am also waiting for one of my contacts from a Professional Salon products company to come up to Maine to meet with me. I'm looking into getting some sort of Color Educator classes or certification. I don't know yet, just something else to think about.
It seems like these things are tricky to accomplish because of my car and finances right now. Happy Holidays right? I really can't stand this time of the year because my holidays are always awful, something always happens so I dread them...I won't have much of a holiday for sure. I have so many things I have to figure out how to accomplish and I'm overwhelmed.
I got a visit from Chrystn today, it was nice to talk to her and she'll come by next week. Although I know that some people care, I do feel very alone here so far away from my family back home and my friends too. I see my son but he's at that age where he is more focused on hanging out with his buddies which I understand completely...he's such a great kid though. I was glad he came over with EJ for dinner. Brady was so thrilled to see them. He loves them. I really am glad to have Brady, he's such a great companion and he makes me smile...at least it's nice to know someone here in my home loves me unconditionally.
Brady and I curl up under a blanket on the couch and he snuggles with me while I watch TV or read. I wish it wasn't cold so I could take him out for walks more, summer was too short.
A while ago, I had that weird feeling again and I don't understand why. At least I don't want to entertain that thought given how things used to be spiritually I guess or the level of connection as far as my mind...but I felt that again, what I felt several days ago.
I miss my car, I miss getting on it and just going for a ride whenever I could to clear my mind or just to go people watch or whatever. This has been hard on me but I hope that this will be taken care of soon...
I'll probably go to class tomorrow, I didn't go today because I wanted to have dinner with my son and I also baked a pie.
Guess I might write again soon. In the meantime, I hope I get back on my feet soon. I waited so long because I was told to be patient and wait to get my car fixed and what not and in the end, I was betrayed and ended up high and dry. Some people just have no honor.
After what I had gone through before I had major trust issues and I did try and did put my trust on Chris to some extent. He didn't like the fact that I didn't trust him 100% but deep down inside I just couldn't completely and I was right not to in the end. I guess I got tired of hearing the same words, same promises and they were not kept. It's messed up how only a couple of days before I busted him he had written how much he loved me, how grateful he was for me and my love, standing by him and reiterated that he wanted to be my husband...and how utterly alone he felt without me and then bam! Surprise...he betrayed me. I actually don't want to write too much about that here.
I just don't believe in anything or anyone anymore. He finally got his stuff out of here a few days ago.
Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and get back on my feet...alone again, like all my struggles throughout life's adversities...always alone. I can always be counted upon, but hardly anyone has truly ever been there for me. I guess I'm used to this lonely path through life. I hate it but I am living in the wrong times where people don't truly care anymore...times are so different...plagued by indifference and lack of true compassion and sympathy for those who struggle and suffer through life.
Not many honorable people are left in this world in my opinion. Not many old souls like me are left in this world I guess.
Christopher Brown... Who would've thought that he would let me down the way he did...I cannot forget that. Everything thrown away for something that isn't even real. I guess he is lost...and he lost me. I'm a very forgiving person but there are things I cannot forgive and a couple of people I simply can't forgive either and Chris is now one of them.
The same nightmare all over again. This time though, I'm more concerned about what to do next, how am I going to get through the upcoming winter.
I had surgery last week, it was ok but I had to deal with another health issue a few days ago.
I wanted to go to class tonight but I was wheezing a bit and I have been lately, probably too much stress. It had been a while since I had asthma issues.
I'm not sure if I'll go to class tomorrow, I know the kids miss me. I miss them too. Our youngest little dragon is 3 years old! So darn cute! His sister is 4 and they both look so cute with their Gis!
I'm trying to hang in there. EJ asked me what I wanted for my birthday which was yesterday and sucked btw, but he was so busy working he didn't have time. I simply told him I wanted him to take me to the natural food store and just buy me organic/natural skin care goodies.
I don't want to write about the recurring nightmare here as I've already did so in my FB and my Myspace for my closest friends and my family.
On another note, I had that same feeling I had some time ago...it just came to my mind, that Bob somehow had me in his mind and again, I don't know for what reason. It gave me goose bumps.
Right now I'm just trying to figure out what to do as far as my current situation. In some sense I think I developed a bigger wall around me but I also know that I did change or what Bob did to me changed me.
I tried to rebuild my life and in some ways I've gone on but deep down inside I know that I've never been the same since then. I was let down again, betrayed and to add insult to injury, had to deal with unfairness. That's what I got for being there, for being supportive, and standing by and for someone who did wrong and cannot own up to his wrong-doings. A friend of mine told me that a cornered animal is a dangerous animal who would do anything to get out of that situation...So true, to sink so low, to hit below the belt specially after all the pain and trauma I've gone through before. I really do hate the way people don't respect others and their lives anymore. Does it all hurt? yes, lies and betrayal always does. I did try to build a new life...and I was failed by someone I put my trust on and gave whatever was left of me after what Bob did to me. So I'm definitely not whole anymore. All that's gone. My engagement to Christopher Brown is over, he doesn't deserve me so good riddance. I do believe that what goes around comes around and the I'm sorrys always come too late. Happens every time without fail.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll get some much needed good news. God knows I need them right now.
Mike wants to do another photo shoot with me, it had been so long mostly because I didn't feel like modeling for quite some time but I think I'm going to do it again soon, Mike just needs me to let him know when. Might do other shoots too. I probably should.
I'm going to bed to see if I can sleep and snuggle with my puppy Brady...I'm glad I have such a sweet dog.
I know I don't write here that much anymore but in all this time, although I still grieve for my baby, I have found comfort thinking that somehow, she is ok. Again, I think of my baby as a girl since I had that dream/vision and since then, I felt more comfort thinking that she is ok. I still wish I had her and I imagine her with the same color of my hair and resemblance to Emily and yes, of course a bit of Bob because after all it was his baby too.
To be honest, I still have nightmares about him and how much pain he caused me. There's no doubt that he changed my life forever and I have never been the same since then.
I am trying to rebuild my life but it's not so easy and I know that there are some things that were forever lost and I am afraid, I cannot recover.
I was up late last night and my dog Brady was so cute snuggling with me. As some of you know, my beloved Nikki passed away on July 9th which is such a terrible date because that's the same date Bob and I became a couple. I miss Nikki so much but I believe she had a "paw" in me getting Brady and he has stolen my heart and is such a wonderful companion. As I was petting him at around 1 a.m or so I had a feeling that for some reason, good or bad, I was in Bob's mind at that moment which is odd. Who knows, the way things were with us always seemed to be more than coincidences...I believed in everything he said to me about us being together in another lifetime and being soul mates and all those incredibly romantic things...so sad to think that perhaps it was all a lie, part of his game and I wonder if he says the same things to others.
At least my conscience is clear, I meant everything I ever said to him and my feelings were real. It's a shame that Bob McGrath doesn't know what honesty means.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what lies ahead of me and if the path I'm following is right...
I felt uneasy last night. I don't know why but it was something deep within me, something almost psychic, spiritual, I'm not even sure...it was confusing but it was clear to me that for some reason, I felt I was on his mind. Again, I don't know if for good or bad...although after all he's put me through...
These last days have been a bit difficult. I'm still having trouble sleeping and I think it has a lot to do with my fear of having more nightmares. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep but my own body fights it unconsciously I think, I literally get jumpy as if trying not to fall asleep...it's so difficult.
No Taekwondo this week. My instructor is on vacation. It will be nice to go back to classes next week.
I'm going through some difficult times right now and things are tough for me personally. Sometimes I feel so spent and so disappointed.
It's been a really long time since I've written here. Mostly due to just not wanting to write for a while. This was my outlet to document my pain, my suffering in the hands of such a cruel and evil human being, to express my feelings about the loss of my baby. I will probably come back to write here again sometime when I want to express anything that has to do with this terrible chapter of my life that I wish never happened...
I will always grieve for that loss and I will never forget what happened or what was done to me.
So many things changed in me and it's such a shame that I had given the very best of me and all that love to someone who never deserved it. I was left with deep wounds and many scars now.
In just a few days, it will be another year of that fateful day when he came into my life and destroyed me and took so much from me. I wish I had never gone that day to the grocery store, I wish I had never replied to his message...
These past couple of years have been the hardest and most devastating in my life and I have struggled in many ways in different aspects of my life.
I have been blessed to have found support from those who care about me and I've continued my training in martial arts even though it was hard at times after experiencing such terrible loss. Due to life's circumstances, I'm back to where it all began...with my first master but this time at his now not so new school and his kindness, support and belief in me mean the world to me. I no longer train with my previous master. I'm a lot closer to my school now and I'm more involved with the school and also assisting with teaching classes.
Things are great with my son, he has grown so much and I love him more than any words can say.
I must say that these past months, the support and help I've gotten from my ex-husband EJ has been wonderful and it's been such a blessing.
EJ told me he got one of those random emails about those ridiculous online dating sites and he saw a woman we both know to be a major ...well you get the idea and he called me laughing to tell me all about it and said he wouldn't be surprised if Bob hasn't already hooked up with her because he goes through those women like he changes clothes every day. That's what he does, just like those people that use those sites, it's all so disgusting. I actually know someone that is supposedly engaged and frequents those sites...it's really disgusting but then again, the majority of people there are not really single and if they are, they are promiscuous; liars and cheaters use those sites. EJ was joking about getting on those sites because those women in there serve only one purpose and it's not a relationship but rather...you get the idea. Many men will lie to women and lead them to think they want a relationship but all they want is to serve their own selfish purposes while sleeping around with others at the same time.
I realized what kind of person Bob really is when I found out accidentally that he had been and I'm sure continues to use those sites because I have been told that he has gone through quite a lot of women he meets there. Gross!
I will never forget all the hell I was put through and the pain, all the tears I cried, the nightmares and the huge sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Although I feel like a part of me is gone, I know in my heart I was honest, truthful and loyal unlike him. I know I did my best and I gave it all. My conscience is clear.
Grieving for my baby is still a part of me but I find comfort sometimes, when I think about a dream/vision I had where my baby spoke to me and she was a a girl, she took the form of a little girl to be able to talk to me or I think that's the way she would've looked like had she lived...so I know in my heart, that she was a girl now. She told me many things and to rest assured that she was ok...I try to hold on to that, to find comfort and peace and I do hope that she is resting in peace. She had my eyes and the same color of my hair but she looked a little bit like Emily...
Emily...I will always love her and miss her...like my own daughter.
Now I'm at a loss for words...I wanted to write and I should've since it's been so long but the words just can't seem to come out at this very moment.
I'm bound by gratitude to those who have been really, really there for me. I will never forget this.
I know I haven't written here in so long because I simply didn't really want to and I've been occupied with many other things going on in my life right now but now, as I have a quiet moment, I decided to put into words these thoughts that were just crossing my mind.
No other events in my life have changed me or affected me so much as to what Bob McGrath did to me and how he destroyed my dreams, my life, my hopes and took away so many things I had in me that made me who I was, the type of person I was really proud of being and now, I feel like so much of that was lost just like I lost our baby...that was the day a huge part of me died.
I'm still a very caring, compassionate and loving person but I know that I have a wall around me which is perhaps in place to protect whatever is left of me and I know I do it unconsciously. I miss being the way I was, who I was because all my life, I tried to be a good person, very loving and dedicated to others...devoted.
There were so many things I used to do to express that part of me and I know I lost them when he took them from me. I will never be the same. I might be able to continue being a shadow of who I was and I thank God for those who understand this about me and support me, love me and care about me no matter what because they know that what was done to me, changed me forever. What this man did to me was downright evil.
I have a lot of grief to deal with still, because losing a baby is so devastating...I also have a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. I hope that in time those things will go away. I have never been able to really hate anyone but I hope that one day when those feelings finally go away; that I will be able to hate Bob because if anyone in this world deserves to be hated is him. I will never forget what he did to me, his lies, empty promises, his cruelty, coldness, disregard for me as a human being and the life of OUR baby...maybe someday.
Things are very tough right now like they are for many people in this country and I'm dealing with some health issues. I'm thankful for the support and love I'm getting in my life right now. For that unconditional understanding and support after all this horrible nightmare I've gone through.
My son is growing so much. We celebrated his 15th birthday this past weekend and I'm amazed to see how time flies. My dog Nikki is still hanging there but she's so old and having a really tough time some days with the stairs in this place. She's still as loving and loyal as ever.
Some days I feel really discouraged because of how hard things are for everybody and for me especially.
Sometimes life comes full circle...another ex of mine reached out to me and apologized again for cheating on me and not being a good boyfriend to me...I bear no ill will towards him, I forgave him a long time ago...at least he didn't do evil things to me unlike Bob.
I was just thinking about all the skanks Bob has hooked up with on those online dating sites...yes, I have no sympathy nor respect for anyone who pays 14 bucks a month to be able to hook up with people and sleep around with those in that circle(it really is like an orgy if you think about it, disgusting!). I know some guys that use those sites and why they use them and have been for years, not many happy endings come out of those sites because most people there lie about who they really are and what they are really after!
I mean do they really think he is going to be different with them? If he was capable of doing what he did to me, the so called love of his life, what makes them think he won't do it to them and worse? seriously...he is so good at stalking, preying and saying the right things he thinks you want to hear. I just hope that someday, justice will be served and he will get what he deserves for being such an evil man and a coward at that!
I miss Emily so much and I wonder how she's doing, what new things she's learning and it's so terrible that he took me out of her life so suddenly and I didn't get to teach her so many things I wanted to. I wonder what words she says and I still shed tears for her because I miss her and I know how much she loved me, just like I love her and always will.
Just thinking out loud...
I'm looking forward to warm weather, I'm so sick of this cold winter ugh!
Well I've got stuff to do right now. I don't write that much these days like I said but I will when I can here and there. I might write later.
I just don't feel like writing here too much so that's why I haven't updated this. I am not going to elaborate too much on what's happening in my life lately because my close friends and those who matter already know all the latest things and so on.
As of right now I don't have time to write much anyway. I might write here again when I feel like it but not for now.
I am not going to change anything here and it will stay as a reminder of all the hell I was put through by Bob and what an evil and cruel person he really is and how he destroyed my life and didn't even care about the loss of our baby, he lied to me, I believe he preyed on me and he cheated on me as well; he is promiscuous... sleeping around with those pathetic women he meets on those ridiculous online dating sites... having to pay 14 bucks a month so he can sleep around with them...it doesn't get any more pathetic than that!
****Jan 30th. I didn't want to bother opening a new entry. I got back home from work with Michelle. She gave me a ride home because my car is still at the mechanic's and it will be a long while before I get it back. Stupid engine! ugh! I'm tired and cold right now but I have a few things to do before I go to bed. Michelle lives in Sanford and I'm lucky for that matter so I can go to work with her and back. One of these days I'll write a bit more here. I've been busy and really tired after work but I love what I do so it's ok. Michelle and I were talking about stuff on the way home. She knows what Bob did to me too.
Most of you also know that I did go back to the beach a while ago, to throw some more roses out to sea in memory of my baby...it was hard to remember how alone I felt going through all that and the pain of losing my baby. I'll never forget.
I wasn't sure what to write here and I know it's been a while but I have been busy as well as thinking about many things.
I made a decision, I took a huge step and I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. I do know that I'm marked forever by what Bob did to me and I will never fully recover from the biggest heartbreak and pain of my life because I lost so much...our baby, Emily and him and I still don't understand many things, there are still so many unanswered questions.
It's hard to believe and accept that he fabricated the person I fell in love with and that it's possible he is not really who he pretended to be to get me to fall in love with him. I'm appalled by his actions and I will never forget his lack of respect for me as a human being if anything, his lack of compassion for the loss of our baby and everything he's done to hurt me and his campaign to destroy me even more as if what he put me through initially was not devastating enough.
So it's all in God's hands and someday, he will regret it.
I'm here waiting for a flight to arrive within the next couple of days hopefully as Chris makes his way from his military service in Afghanistan. As of this moment he must be on a flight to the States via Kuwait. He has to go to Missisippi to outprocess for a couple of days and then, he will be here. I had been so worried for his safety because of things that happened as he was trying to make his way to Kuwait but thank God he is safe.
Chris has been a wonderful source of support and many more things than that. I have been comforted many times by him and it means the world to me, to know that someone cares and wants to help me get through all this nightmare and my grief.
He's been so caring and so thoughtful...I received some really beautiful iris flowers and red roses from him a few days ago as well as some things he got me in Afghanistan. That means a lot to me.
Work is going alright, I mean it's a bit of a slow time right now but I love working there.
My son, EJ and I had our Christmas here at my place, we had dinner as well. My son got me the Twilight book and I finished it the next day. I'm hooked on those series and can't wait to read the rest of them and see the movie.
My grief is still very much a part of my life and I will never forget any of this...I'm not sure what's in store for me, no one knows the future and what will happen but for now, all is in God's hands and maybe I do need more support from someone who cares to be able to get through this even though I know I will never be the same, something changed in me and Bob took a lot of things away from me and the love I felt for him and gave him, was unique...he knows it and I know it and I meant every word I said to him when I expressed such love to him...shame he lied to me and his so called love was not real...it hurts to realize he was a predator and I was his prey. I believed in him, so much...I trusted him with my heart, my love and my life...I gave him my soul as well and he left me so broken inside...the road ahead of me will be long and difficult.
Someday Bob will take responsibility for his actions towards the only woman who ever, really, truly loved him and his daughter. Shame on him for taking her away from me too knowing how much she meant to me and how much I loved and still love her.
Power was finally restored at my place this late afternoon. I slept at home those nights I was without power since the storm...staying with Nikki. I had to bundle up a lot and I was very cold. I just didn't want my dog to feel lonely. This morning it got too cold and I got up and went to my ex-husband's like I had been these past days to catch up with my emails, watch movies and what not. He lost power the first day but got it back the following day so he got lucky. This was such an awful storm.
I've been so lost in thoughts these past days in the quiet of all this around me...there are still so many things I wonder and still so much sadness inside of me.
A lot of things are going on and I'm hesitant at times but other times I want to believe that things will get better.
Work is going ok...I love it there...
I've been so wrapped up in several things happening these last days and all I can do is wait...and see. I hope that this project I was considered for pans out...it would be so good and a much needed break in my life after all I've gone through.
So much on my mind...so much...the aftermath of all this, that changed my life forever...yet I cannot hate. Someday...maybe someday there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I really haven't had much time to write lately and between being busy with work and other things happening in my life, I am usually so drained at the end of the day, that I don't even have energy for anything.
There could be some things coming my way that could change some things in my life and I am sort of waiting for things to unfold and see what happens. I don't really want to say too much until I know for sure and if things pan out but for now, all I can say is that I'm really stoked that I was considered for this thing that could work out...if it doesn't oh well, but at least I was thought of for this project and by someone in the right place and that's enough for me.
I'm sore right now...from class that is. I'm a bit bummed out about my class actually but I hope that things change because it's been long overdue and I know that the road has been very hard for me having dealt with a miscarriage as well as trying to recover physically from all the trauma I went through...yes, something as tough as that along with all the hell I was put through did take a toll on my body as far as stamina and energy levels. My Dr. explained this to me in detail and I'm not surprised, it does make perfect sense.
I have made some good friendships lately that have a lot to contribute to my life and for that, I'm grateful.
So, for now all I can do is try to be patient and wait for this possible project to pan out and enjoy the process of trying to make it happen thanks to this person that thought of me for this.
I've been thinking about many things, lots of things...and there are things I wonder about...
Even when I try to get away, life pulls Bob right back into my life
Mood:
Music:Michael Buble-Home
You all know how our story was full of signs and not coincidences and how we came into each other's lives...even after all the horrible things he's done to me, there were many more signs that continue to happen and even on days that had a special significance. I have always gotten those messages and he used to as well. You all remember everything that happened and how he'd always be wherever I'd be all this time on days that meant something or if he was present on my mind more than usual...
I had written about this on my myspace blog and it's still there...when I took a job in Kennebunk, it was because out of all places I had applied to, it was the only place that offered me at job at the time, then my boss dissolved her partnership and I stayed in the new salon under new owners but it didn't work out, it was hard to build clients and you all know about that, then I got offered another job there and I took it but it was always so hard to run into him and many times I'd cry and shake feeling all emotional remembering everything he did to me and even at times, I felt anger too if I knew when I'd bump into him as I was coming home from work, knowing he didn't have Emily and that he was on his way to see one of the many skanks he hooks up with online.
So I was glad to get out of Kennebunk because again, it's such a seasonal town and I needed to make more money and I thought at least I wouldn't have to run into him there too and I got the job I always wanted in Saco and bam...on my way back home, on Rt 111 at the light in the intersection with Rt 35 I saw him going the other way...probably to see yet another skank he hooked up with on those ridiculous online dating sites...
So I thought to myself, great, I get a job elsewhere and now I still have to run into him and what if being where I work I have to also run into whoever the latest flavor of the week is.
No matter how I try and what I do, life keeps pulling him back into my life and I'm so upset and frustrated. I can't forget how much he's hurt me and how he lied to me, betrayed me and on top of that all the nightmare he has put me through, the pain, the agony, the nights I didn't sleep and the nights I'd cry myself to sleep because of losing our baby and because of what he did to me and all the crap that was caused to get him to act this way towards me when all I did was love him.
Emily is in my thoughts too...so much...all those women in and out of her life, she doesn't deserve that and she didn't deserve to have him pull me out of her life either because I love her to pieces and she loved me too...I will always love her and continue to pray for her and I shed many tears for her too. I miss her so much!
So now I don't know if these are more signs or a really bad life's joke but some people say that even though he is a jerk who can't see clearly, who is so blind and cannot see that our coming together was a miracle(even if he used to say so)...
This is also so terrible because I broke down and cried, I mean really cried like I haven't in a long time remembering that cold day I stood at the beach grieving for our baby and he wasn't there and this was on my mind as well as him and all the things he used to say to me, the words of love, promises he broke, the talk about growing old together and I still wonder how? how could he do this to me? how could he call me the love of this life and treat me the way he has????
My grief is still very much a part of my daily life
Mood:
Music:Michael Buble-You and I
I cried myself to sleep last night because of all the memories of the day I went to see the specialist and that's when it really hit me that I had a miscarriage. I was so hurt and so sad that I was in denial at times and doubting because what I was going through was awful enough given what Bob had done to me and how he treated me.
I remembered my walk to the rocks at Gooch's Beach and how much I was crying, all alone in the bitter cold and all I could do was throw a rose out to see as a way to have some sort of memorial for Bob's and my baby. That was probably one of the loneliest days of my life and I can't describe how painful it was and how I felt. Bob knew that I was going to do that and he didn't even bother to say he'd go as well, after all that was his baby too...and it was yet another dagger straight to my heart.
I'm still grieving so much and it hurts me so much that none of them even cared. I believe God has taken note of that and what goes around comes around. I'm so tired of so much cruelty and insensitivity and everything I have been put through. How dare they judge me? How dare he do what he's done to me?
I have shed so many tears for losing our baby and everything else he's done to me, not having Emily in my life and I miss her so much, every single day...
Andy said something nice to me and I want to share it with you here, because it moved me:
"Thank you so much Geneva. Your words are very kind to me.
I feel your pain of losing a child. I can imagine how much that affects a woman...more so than a man because it is the woman who bares the child. Again, I'm sorry your ex-boyfriend left you, confused, hurt, broken, devastated. I'm angry that a man would do that to such a beautiful woman as you Geneva. He did not deserve your heart and in the end proved he was not a man of his word. But you are a woman of your word and you still have that, he doesn't.
I have to go to bed now it's already past the time.
I just haven't really felt like writing here in the last few days. I've just been busy with work and what not.
Ryan sent me a really sweet text message yesterday...I miss you too Ryan, I hope you come back soon so I can see you. Ryan as you know is an ex-boyfriend of mine who happens to be a great friend and I trust him a lot, it's true, he is my confidant. I talk to him about everything and he knows me really well.
I also talked to my ex Tim the other day...his daughters are doing well, growing up a lot. I miss them too. They loved me and were anxious for me to move there to live with them but things didn't work out between Tim and I as you know...the distance was too hard on us even though we were being with each other as much as we could.
Onto another topic...something really bizarre happened to me that makes me wonder what the hell is going on and who is behind it...on Saturday at almost 5 a.m. my cell phone rang but only once. It was a number from Sanford but came up as unlisted.
Then as I was ready to go to work early in the morning, I grabbed my purse which I had left on my kitchen island the night before when I got back home from work...as I sat in my car after I put on my seatbelt, I wanted to look for my lipstick in my purse and I was shocked to find a handful for dog food(my dog's) in a corner inside my purse. Now if it was a mouse which I never had issues with here, there would've been a mess everywhere and crumbles but that wasn't the case. There would only be a few pieces instead of a handful. It was all together in one corner of my purse which is also one of those that stand up tall so I don't think a mouse could've done that. Nikki is 17 years old and she can't get on 2 legs anymore, let alone reach the kitchen island and she would not do that, she'd eat the food not put it in my purse or elsewhere.
I had left my kitchen door unlocked that night, I forgot to lock it. When I told my ex-husband he was really surprised and said that it was bizarre. I told him it really freaked me out. So we think that someone came into my place and did that...with what purpose? gee, can't you imagine?
Needless to say, I won't forget to lock my door anymore and I'll make sure I take all necessary steps to protect myself.
I don't sleep walk and I didn't imagine this nor I was dreaming, I was so shocked that I even threw the dog food in my driveway and it's still there...it's getting covered with snow now. Someone out there is trying to mess with me...and I must say that's it's a very, VERY stupid idea and whatever ridiculous or stupid crap they are trying to pull by doing this, it's not going to work.
I might write later.
***11:53 p.m. I've had a headache for a few hours now. I don't know why. I played with my son online for a while this afternoon and then we had dinner together. I've been listening to music online and doing some things, catching up with some of my friends on myspace and what not. I have a lot on my mind...not a day goes by that I don't grieve or think about what a nightmare this all has been and what Bob did to me. I can't believe he was capable of doing the things he's done to me. I feel that everything he ever told me was a lie.
I have tried to write here in the last few days only to just delete everything before even hitting the "post" button.
I have been busy at the spa and that's going well, getting used to new things, new system and what not. The Aveda class I went to in Cambridge was great and I can't wait for the next class. I really love what I do.
I was working today and Jamie trimmed my ends which I really needed as I had waited a while to get a trim and my hair looks awesome today. She is fantastic. We had a little lunch and gathering for Carrie as she is close to having her baby. I'm happy for her but at the same time, I feel sadness for my baby whom I never got to hold in my arms. This is still so hard for me as well as so many memories...
I have a lot of mixed emotions about what Bob did to me ranging from disbelief, wondering how could he do this to me, treat me the way he did after saying I was the love of his life...to see what a terrible travesty this is and what it all came to...sometimes I feel like I'm having a nightmare and I want to wake up but it's not happening, it's very real.
My pain and my grief is very real.
The holidays are approaching and I dread it so much because they have never been all that great for me since I was little...something bad always happened around that time pretty much and I feel so sad...so much loneliness. To think that I was looking forward to a good Christmas with Bob and Emily as well as time with my son too. It would've been wonderful and he joked around me putting a massage table I wanted on my Christmas list...I can't believe he has done all the things he's done to me.
One thing is for sure, no one has inflicted more pain and suffering to my life as he has...that's why this is still so hard...the lies, the mistreatment while I was going through so much physical and emotional pain because I was losing them and my baby too.
I miss Emily so much too, I cry for her at times because I wish I could hold her and see her smiles, hear her voice and do all the things I wanted to do with her, things I wanted to teach her and play with her. It breaks my heart so much. That's another reason why this is just so terrible, so unfair and uncalled for.
I am a good person and I didn't deserve what he did to me just because he wanted to justify his actions that destroyed my life, my heart and my dreams.
I'm having a hard day I guess...it's so terribly cold out too...just like my heart feels right now...
Perhaps, I'll write later. I'm very sad right now.
***9:55 p.m. I just dropped my son off at his dad's not long ago. We had dinner and we were talking about his hair. He's always had short hair but it seems all teens these days are growing their hair out! He doesn't want me to cut it and I am trying to convince him that he has to let me trim it at least. Oh boy, teenagers! heh. Anyways, he's going to let me do a scalp treatment/massage on him tomorrow so maybe I can get him to let me cut his hair. He's growing so much...my little man is not so little anymore!
I have so much on my mind right now. I think I'm going to watch TV for a little bit or read. I don't know. I'm just so sickened by everything that Bob has done and has done to me. I trusted him so much and he betrayed me. Someday, I know that someday he will regret all the pain he's caused me, the tears, the humiliation he tried to submit me to, the horrible words and treatment...but it just might be too late.
I wish there was a time machine so I could go back in time to avoid allowing him into my life...it would've saved me all this pain and grief or that none of this had happened. In one moment a person or an event can destroy your life forever, all it takes is seconds, moments...and it can take a lifetime to recover or you don't recover at all. People like that have no conscience nor respect for others and their lives, their feelings, emotions and their hearts. Someday...someday...
I have this huge hole inside of me, such a huge sense of emptiness, pain, disappointment and disbelief...I know deep down inside, that I will never recover from what he has done to me. So many unanswered questions, so many lies on his part...deceit, cruelty. I'll never forget this.
It's been quite a few days since I've written here. I have been very busy at the salon going through all kinds of stuff and as of tomorrow I will be at the spa. I was at one of the other 3 salons owned by my boss just learning company's procedures, etc.
Alex didn't make it, unfortunately he had to go to NYC to take care of some of his company's emergencies so I'm really disappointed that he couldn't come. We were really looking forward to seeing each other and going out to do things although the weather really sucked this weekend with all the rain we got.
I was thinking of Emily a lot the other day. I miss her so much. It breaks my heart so much. Not much else going on other than I'm glad about being now a part of one of the Top 200 salons of the country and I can't wait to continue growing as a stylist. I'm going to Cambridge MA this Wednesday for a class pretty much all day about Aveda products and so on. I'm looking forward to that.
***9 p.m. I'm having a hard time right now. I actually went to church this morning, it had been so long since I had been to mass and it wasn't like it was back home, this was kinda quick and I didn't feel so comfortable...I was ok about it though but now, because of how I'm feeling at the moment, I think about all those people that supposedly go to church all the time and are self-proclaimed christians and believers yet when they leave the church go on to hurt other people, their feelings, their lives and don't realize that sometimes words can hurt more than anything else and they can have a terrible lasting effect. I think about all those people who are such hypocrites that they claim to be so faithful yet they turn their back on someone who is in need, is sick or is suffering.
I've always said that I'm living in the wrong times and I'm so tired and so disappointed in humanity. People are so quick to cast stones without looking at their own actions. There is so little respect for human beings and their lives.
"Lord love you! when we see what some people do all the week--people who are stanch at church, remember--I can't help thinking there are a good many poor souls who are only Christians at morning and afternoon service.- Charles Dickens"
Music:Memoirs of a Geisha Soundtrack-Sayuri's theme
I'm very tired. I went to bed late last night and I wasn't feeling well but I'm doing much better this morning as far as that. I've been trying to catch up with emails, birthday cards, birthday wishes etc from my friends. I just got a call from my ex-husband to say Happy Birthday, my son is sleeping in I guess, he stayed up late playing a video game with his best friend who was sleeping over at his dad's place.
I might be doing something later, probably going out to eat...or something. I got a few invitations but I don't know how I'm going to be able to decide which friend I'm going out to eat with oh God lol. Such a nice gesture on their part. I will spend some time with my son when he wakes up I guess.
I'm not all that glad about another birthday...I'm kinda bummed out remembering how awful it was last year.
I'll write later when I'm done doing whatever I'll decide to do.
***3:06 p.m. My son and my ex-husband just left, they came over to bring a pizza for lunch and strawberry cheesecake for me which I haven't had in ages and I love so much. They got me the latest expansion for Everquest, my son really wanted me to have it so I can access the new zones with them when we play together. So cute, he really likes me playing this with him! Kris will probably come by later and I'm not sure if we're going to have dinner or whatever. Anything is ok with me and it's nice to spend some time with at least one of my friends today. Still, the sadness in my heart remains...I wish things were different...if only...
I'll write some more later.
***11 p.m. Well I've enjoyed a wonderful Italian dinner with some wine thanks to Kris and a movie as well. Food was so good now I feel like I'm going to explode heh. It's ok, it's my birthday and I still haven't gotten a piece of my strawberry cheese cake heh. It was such a great gesture on Kris' part to make sure I didn't have to be alone on my birthday because last year was awful because of what Bob had done to me. I probably put on a couple of punds after such fantastic dinner!
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