- Mood:
- Music: Natalie Walker-Empty Road
I've been up all night and for the last several hours, I've had many thoughts going through my mind that I will attempt to put in writing now.
I feel so alone right now and so sad and that's what's truly in my heart right now, thinking about the fact that my heart has been broken for a few years now and the truth is, it hasn't really mended by now and I am not sure if it ever will.
I used to think that I had found true love, that fairy tale that all of us foolish romantics dream about and I remember how happy I was at the time and how much I believed that my past life soul mate had found me in this lifetime again. I really believed in that and even more so, when he told me he believed it too. I remember those words as if it was yesterday. I really believed in all those moments of sheer happiness and infinite love...but sadly, it was only a dream that turned into a nightmare...it was true love but only on my part. I wanted to believe he loved me so much but he didn't and my life was never the same after that.
I tried so hard to pick up the pieces and tried to rebuild what was left of my life, only to be betrayed again. Deep down in my heart I knew that things could never be the same for me but I wanted to try. I had to.
I was up all night the night before so out of pure exhaustion, I fell asleep yesterday afternoon and in my dreams, I saw him yet once again. All these years I've had nightmares and dreams that perhaps reflect what my soul most desired only to wake up to realize that my today, my reality is so different now...so sad and full of heartbreak. I wish I could describe what I dreamed about but I have to keep that locked away in my heart because it was just wishful thinking and I know it was just a dream.
Now I'm having a hard time expressing everything that I'm thinking about and shedding tears is making it even harder...all I ever wanted was to love and be loved, to grow old with someone who cherished me, respected me, understood me and let me be there for him as well as be there for me, someone who'd let me be a part of his life and who would be glad to have me love him with all my might and that he would do the same. That impossible dream...something I've always wanted and it seems I will never have.
I feel such deep sadness right now because I wish I had those things I long for, because I wish I could be feeling safe in someone's arms but I'm not, I don't have that kind of love in my life and that is sad. A life without love, is truly sad. We were not created to be alone, yet I have felt alone all my life. The only time I didn't, I was living in a dream, I wanted to believe but it wasn't real, it was a lie because he didn't really love me, he lied to me and I don't believe now that he ever meant anything he ever said to me when he said he loved me and that I was the love of his life...
I had so, so much to give and I had the best intentions. I tried to go on with my life and I wanted for things to work out with Chris too and I was willing to marry him but he betrayed me and lied to me and behaved dishonorably as well. It hurts that he lied too.
My heart hasn't mended...I'm still such a lonely soul...hurt by many but really, really ravaged by one, though: Bob.
- Mood:
- Music: Conjure One-The Center of the Sun
- Currently reading: Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer again heh
I'm trying to hang in there. Right now I have a lot on my plate. I wish my car would get fixed soon because that's the first step or at least one of the most important ones to be able to get back up on my feet.
I've been exhausted due to not sleeping much just thinking about stuff and being worried.
I had to do a few things today and although I got some things done, I am feeling a bit impatient because it seems like I didn't make any progress. Hopefully I'll get a much needed call from one of the salons I'm interested in because I really want to and can only work close to home for now but I'm a bit scared because I'd have to booth rent but we'll see what the owner says when we meet, she told me they always help out their stylists in their salons starting out etc.
I am also waiting for one of my contacts from a Professional Salon products company to come up to Maine to meet with me. I'm looking into getting some sort of Color Educator classes or certification. I don't know yet, just something else to think about.
It seems like these things are tricky to accomplish because of my car and finances right now. Happy Holidays right? I really can't stand this time of the year because my holidays are always awful, something always happens so I dread them...I won't have much of a holiday for sure. I have so many things I have to figure out how to accomplish and I'm overwhelmed.
I got a visit from Chrystn today, it was nice to talk to her and she'll come by next week. Although I know that some people care, I do feel very alone here so far away from my family back home and my friends too. I see my son but he's at that age where he is more focused on hanging out with his buddies which I understand completely...he's such a great kid though. I was glad he came over with EJ for dinner. Brady was so thrilled to see them. He loves them. I really am glad to have Brady, he's such a great companion and he makes me smile...at least it's nice to know someone here in my home loves me unconditionally.
Brady and I curl up under a blanket on the couch and he snuggles with me while I watch TV or read. I wish it wasn't cold so I could take him out for walks more, summer was too short.
A while ago, I had that weird feeling again and I don't understand why. At least I don't want to entertain that thought given how things used to be spiritually I guess or the level of connection as far as my mind...but I felt that again, what I felt several days ago.
I miss my car, I miss getting on it and just going for a ride whenever I could to clear my mind or just to go people watch or whatever. This has been hard on me but I hope that this will be taken care of soon...
I'll probably go to class tomorrow, I didn't go today because I wanted to have dinner with my son and I also baked a pie.
Guess I might write again soon. In the meantime, I hope I get back on my feet soon. I waited so long because I was told to be patient and wait to get my car fixed and what not and in the end, I was betrayed and ended up high and dry. Some people just have no honor.
After what I had gone through before I had major trust issues and I did try and did put my trust on Chris to some extent. He didn't like the fact that I didn't trust him 100% but deep down inside I just couldn't completely and I was right not to in the end. I guess I got tired of hearing the same words, same promises and they were not kept. It's messed up how only a couple of days before I busted him he had written how much he loved me, how grateful he was for me and my love, standing by him and reiterated that he wanted to be my husband...and how utterly alone he felt without me and then bam! Surprise...he betrayed me. I actually don't want to write too much about that here.
I just don't believe in anything or anyone anymore. He finally got his stuff out of here a few days ago.
Now I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and get back on my feet...alone again, like all my struggles throughout life's adversities...always alone. I can always be counted upon, but hardly anyone has truly ever been there for me. I guess I'm used to this lonely path through life. I hate it but I am living in the wrong times where people don't truly care anymore...times are so different...plagued by indifference and lack of true compassion and sympathy for those who struggle and suffer through life.
Not many honorable people are left in this world in my opinion. Not many old souls like me are left in this world I guess.
Christopher Brown... Who would've thought that he would let me down the way he did...I cannot forget that. Everything thrown away for something that isn't even real. I guess he is lost...and he lost me. I'm a very forgiving person but there are things I cannot forgive and a couple of people I simply can't forgive either and Chris is now one of them.
- Mood:
- Music: Michael Buble-Me and Mrs. Jones
The same nightmare all over again. This time though, I'm more concerned about what to do next, how am I going to get through the upcoming winter.
I had surgery last week, it was ok but I had to deal with another health issue a few days ago.
I wanted to go to class tonight but I was wheezing a bit and I have been lately, probably too much stress. It had been a while since I had asthma issues.
I'm not sure if I'll go to class tomorrow, I know the kids miss me. I miss them too. Our youngest little dragon is 3 years old! So darn cute! His sister is 4 and they both look so cute with their Gis!
I'm trying to hang in there. EJ asked me what I wanted for my birthday which was yesterday and sucked btw, but he was so busy working he didn't have time. I simply told him I wanted him to take me to the natural food store and just buy me organic/natural skin care goodies.
I don't want to write about the recurring nightmare here as I've already did so in my FB and my Myspace for my closest friends and my family.
On another note, I had that same feeling I had some time ago...it just came to my mind, that Bob somehow had me in his mind and again, I don't know for what reason. It gave me goose bumps.
Right now I'm just trying to figure out what to do as far as my current situation. In some sense I think I developed a bigger wall around me but I also know that I did change or what Bob did to me changed me.
I tried to rebuild my life and in some ways I've gone on but deep down inside I know that I've never been the same since then. I was let down again, betrayed and to add insult to injury, had to deal with unfairness. That's what I got for being there, for being supportive, and standing by and for someone who did wrong and cannot own up to his wrong-doings. A friend of mine told me that a cornered animal is a dangerous animal who would do anything to get out of that situation...So true, to sink so low, to hit below the belt specially after all the pain and trauma I've gone through before. I really do hate the way people don't respect others and their lives anymore. Does it all hurt? yes, lies and betrayal always does. I did try to build a new life...and I was failed by someone I put my trust on and gave whatever was left of me after what Bob did to me. So I'm definitely not whole anymore. All that's gone. My engagement to Christopher Brown is over, he doesn't deserve me so good riddance. I do believe that what goes around comes around and the I'm sorrys always come too late. Happens every time without fail.
Hopefully tomorrow I'll get some much needed good news. God knows I need them right now.
Mike wants to do another photo shoot with me, it had been so long mostly because I didn't feel like modeling for quite some time but I think I'm going to do it again soon, Mike just needs me to let him know when. Might do other shoots too. I probably should.
I'm going to bed to see if I can sleep and snuggle with my puppy Brady...I'm glad I have such a sweet dog.
- Mood: Contemplative
- Music: Skye-Powerful
I know I don't write here that much anymore but in all this time, although I still grieve for my baby, I have found comfort thinking that somehow, she is ok. Again, I think of my baby as a girl since I had that dream/vision and since then, I felt more comfort thinking that she is ok. I still wish I had her and I imagine her with the same color of my hair and resemblance to Emily and yes, of course a bit of Bob because after all it was his baby too.
To be honest, I still have nightmares about him and how much pain he caused me. There's no doubt that he changed my life forever and I have never been the same since then.
I am trying to rebuild my life but it's not so easy and I know that there are some things that were forever lost and I am afraid, I cannot recover.
I was up late last night and my dog Brady was so cute snuggling with me. As some of you know, my beloved Nikki passed away on July 9th which is such a terrible date because that's the same date Bob and I became a couple. I miss Nikki so much but I believe she had a "paw" in me getting Brady and he has stolen my heart and is such a wonderful companion. As I was petting him at around 1 a.m or so I had a feeling that for some reason, good or bad, I was in Bob's mind at that moment which is odd. Who knows, the way things were with us always seemed to be more than coincidences...I believed in everything he said to me about us being together in another lifetime and being soul mates and all those incredibly romantic things...so sad to think that perhaps it was all a lie, part of his game and I wonder if he says the same things to others.
At least my conscience is clear, I meant everything I ever said to him and my feelings were real. It's a shame that Bob McGrath doesn't know what honesty means.
I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what lies ahead of me and if the path I'm following is right...
I felt uneasy last night. I don't know why but it was something deep within me, something almost psychic, spiritual, I'm not even sure...it was confusing but it was clear to me that for some reason, I felt I was on his mind. Again, I don't know if for good or bad...although after all he's put me through...
These last days have been a bit difficult. I'm still having trouble sleeping and I think it has a lot to do with my fear of having more nightmares. Sometimes I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep but my own body fights it unconsciously I think, I literally get jumpy as if trying not to fall asleep...it's so difficult.
No Taekwondo this week. My instructor is on vacation. It will be nice to go back to classes next week.
I'm going through some difficult times right now and things are tough for me personally. Sometimes I feel so spent and so disappointed.
- Mood:
- Music: Nocturne in E Flat Major-Chopin
It's been a really long time since I've written here. Mostly due to just not wanting to write for a while. This was my outlet to document my pain, my suffering in the hands of such a cruel and evil human being, to express my feelings about the loss of my baby. I will probably come back to write here again sometime when I want to express anything that has to do with this terrible chapter of my life that I wish never happened...
I will always grieve for that loss and I will never forget what happened or what was done to me.
So many things changed in me and it's such a shame that I had given the very best of me and all that love to someone who never deserved it. I was left with deep wounds and many scars now.
In just a few days, it will be another year of that fateful day when he came into my life and destroyed me and took so much from me. I wish I had never gone that day to the grocery store, I wish I had never replied to his message...
These past couple of years have been the hardest and most devastating in my life and I have struggled in many ways in different aspects of my life.
I have been blessed to have found support from those who care about me and I've continued my training in martial arts even though it was hard at times after experiencing such terrible loss. Due to life's circumstances, I'm back to where it all began...with my first master but this time at his now not so new school and his kindness, support and belief in me mean the world to me. I no longer train with my previous master. I'm a lot closer to my school now and I'm more involved with the school and also assisting with teaching classes.
Things are great with my son, he has grown so much and I love him more than any words can say.
I must say that these past months, the support and help I've gotten from my ex-husband EJ has been wonderful and it's been such a blessing.
EJ told me he got one of those random emails about those ridiculous online dating sites and he saw a woman we both know to be a major ...well you get the idea and he called me laughing to tell me all about it and said he wouldn't be surprised if Bob hasn't already hooked up with her because he goes through those women like he changes clothes every day. That's what he does, just like those people that use those sites, it's all so disgusting. I actually know someone that is supposedly engaged and frequents those sites...it's really disgusting but then again, the majority of people there are not really single and if they are, they are promiscuous; liars and cheaters use those sites. EJ was joking about getting on those sites because those women in there serve only one purpose and it's not a relationship but rather...you get the idea. Many men will lie to women and lead them to think they want a relationship but all they want is to serve their own selfish purposes while sleeping around with others at the same time.
I realized what kind of person Bob really is when I found out accidentally that he had been and I'm sure continues to use those sites because I have been told that he has gone through quite a lot of women he meets there. Gross!
I will never forget all the hell I was put through and the pain, all the tears I cried, the nightmares and the huge sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Although I feel like a part of me is gone, I know in my heart I was honest, truthful and loyal unlike him. I know I did my best and I gave it all. My conscience is clear.
Grieving for my baby is still a part of me but I find comfort sometimes, when I think about a dream/vision I had where my baby spoke to me and she was a a girl, she took the form of a little girl to be able to talk to me or I think that's the way she would've looked like had she lived...so I know in my heart, that she was a girl now. She told me many things and to rest assured that she was ok...I try to hold on to that, to find comfort and peace and I do hope that she is resting in peace. She had my eyes and the same color of my hair but she looked a little bit like Emily...
Emily...I will always love her and miss her...like my own daughter.
Now I'm at a loss for words...I wanted to write and I should've since it's been so long but the words just can't seem to come out at this very moment.
I'm bound by gratitude to those who have been really, really there for me. I will never forget this.
- Mood: Thoughtful
- Music: Biagio Antonacci-A Volte
I know I haven't written here in so long because I simply didn't really want to and I've been occupied with many other things going on in my life right now but now, as I have a quiet moment, I decided to put into words these thoughts that were just crossing my mind.
No other events in my life have changed me or affected me so much as to what Bob McGrath did to me and how he destroyed my dreams, my life, my hopes and took away so many things I had in me that made me who I was, the type of person I was really proud of being and now, I feel like so much of that was lost just like I lost our baby...that was the day a huge part of me died.
I'm still a very caring, compassionate and loving person but I know that I have a wall around me which is perhaps in place to protect whatever is left of me and I know I do it unconsciously. I miss being the way I was, who I was because all my life, I tried to be a good person, very loving and dedicated to others...devoted.
There were so many things I used to do to express that part of me and I know I lost them when he took them from me. I will never be the same. I might be able to continue being a shadow of who I was and I thank God for those who understand this about me and support me, love me and care about me no matter what because they know that what was done to me, changed me forever. What this man did to me was downright evil.
I have a lot of grief to deal with still, because losing a baby is so devastating...I also have a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. I hope that in time those things will go away. I have never been able to really hate anyone but I hope that one day when those feelings finally go away; that I will be able to hate Bob because if anyone in this world deserves to be hated is him. I will never forget what he did to me, his lies, empty promises, his cruelty, coldness, disregard for me as a human being and the life of OUR baby...maybe someday.
Things are very tough right now like they are for many people in this country and I'm dealing with some health issues. I'm thankful for the support and love I'm getting in my life right now. For that unconditional understanding and support after all this horrible nightmare I've gone through.
My son is growing so much. We celebrated his 15th birthday this past weekend and I'm amazed to see how time flies. My dog Nikki is still hanging there but she's so old and having a really tough time some days with the stairs in this place. She's still as loving and loyal as ever.
Some days I feel really discouraged because of how hard things are for everybody and for me especially.
Sometimes life comes full circle...another ex of mine reached out to me and apologized again for cheating on me and not being a good boyfriend to me...I bear no ill will towards him, I forgave him a long time ago...at least he didn't do evil things to me unlike Bob.
- Mood:
- Currently reading: Eclipse-Stephenie Meyer
I was just thinking about all the skanks Bob has hooked up with on those online dating sites...yes, I have no sympathy nor respect for anyone who pays 14 bucks a month to be able to hook up with people and sleep around with those in that circle(it really is like an orgy if you think about it, disgusting!). I know some guys that use those sites and why they use them and have been for years, not many happy endings come out of those sites because most people there lie about who they really are and what they are really after!
I mean do they really think he is going to be different with them? If he was capable of doing what he did to me, the so called love of his life, what makes them think he won't do it to them and worse? seriously...he is so good at stalking, preying and saying the right things he thinks you want to hear. I just hope that someday, justice will be served and he will get what he deserves for being such an evil man and a coward at that!
I miss Emily so much and I wonder how she's doing, what new things she's learning and it's so terrible that he took me out of her life so suddenly and I didn't get to teach her so many things I wanted to. I wonder what words she says and I still shed tears for her because I miss her and I know how much she loved me, just like I love her and always will.
Just thinking out loud...
I'm looking forward to warm weather, I'm so sick of this cold winter ugh!
Well I've got stuff to do right now. I don't write that much these days like I said but I will when I can here and there. I might write later.
- Mood:
- Currently reading: New Moon-Stephenie Meyer
I just don't feel like writing here too much so that's why I haven't updated this. I am not going to elaborate too much on what's happening in my life lately because my close friends and those who matter already know all the latest things and so on.
As of right now I don't have time to write much anyway. I might write here again when I feel like it but not for now.
I am not going to change anything here and it will stay as a reminder of all the hell I was put through by Bob and what an evil and cruel person he really is and how he destroyed my life and didn't even care about the loss of our baby, he lied to me, I believe he preyed on me and he cheated on me as well; he is promiscuous... sleeping around with those pathetic women he meets on those ridiculous online dating sites... having to pay 14 bucks a month so he can sleep around with them...it doesn't get any more pathetic than that!
****Jan 30th. I didn't want to bother opening a new entry. I got back home from work with Michelle. She gave me a ride home because my car is still at the mechanic's and it will be a long while before I get it back. Stupid engine! ugh! I'm tired and cold right now but I have a few things to do before I go to bed. Michelle lives in Sanford and I'm lucky for that matter so I can go to work with her and back. One of these days I'll write a bit more here. I've been busy and really tired after work but I love what I do so it's ok. Michelle and I were talking about stuff on the way home. She knows what Bob did to me too.
Most of you also know that I did go back to the beach a while ago, to throw some more roses out to sea in memory of my baby...it was hard to remember how alone I felt going through all that and the pain of losing my baby. I'll never forget.
- Mood:
- Music: Wilco-The Lonely One
I wasn't sure what to write here and I know it's been a while but I have been busy as well as thinking about many things.
I made a decision, I took a huge step and I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. I do know that I'm marked forever by what Bob did to me and I will never fully recover from the biggest heartbreak and pain of my life because I lost so much...our baby, Emily and him and I still don't understand many things, there are still so many unanswered questions.
It's hard to believe and accept that he fabricated the person I fell in love with and that it's possible he is not really who he pretended to be to get me to fall in love with him. I'm appalled by his actions and I will never forget his lack of respect for me as a human being if anything, his lack of compassion for the loss of our baby and everything he's done to hurt me and his campaign to destroy me even more as if what he put me through initially was not devastating enough.
So it's all in God's hands and someday, he will regret it.
I'm here waiting for a flight to arrive within the next couple of days hopefully as Chris makes his way from his military service in Afghanistan. As of this moment he must be on a flight to the States via Kuwait. He has to go to Missisippi to outprocess for a couple of days and then, he will be here. I had been so worried for his safety because of things that happened as he was trying to make his way to Kuwait but thank God he is safe.
Chris has been a wonderful source of support and many more things than that. I have been comforted many times by him and it means the world to me, to know that someone cares and wants to help me get through all this nightmare and my grief.
He's been so caring and so thoughtful...I received some really beautiful iris flowers and red roses from him a few days ago as well as some things he got me in Afghanistan. That means a lot to me.
Work is going alright, I mean it's a bit of a slow time right now but I love working there.
My son, EJ and I had our Christmas here at my place, we had dinner as well. My son got me the Twilight book and I finished it the next day. I'm hooked on those series and can't wait to read the rest of them and see the movie.
My grief is still very much a part of my life and I will never forget any of this...I'm not sure what's in store for me, no one knows the future and what will happen but for now, all is in God's hands and maybe I do need more support from someone who cares to be able to get through this even though I know I will never be the same, something changed in me and Bob took a lot of things away from me and the love I felt for him and gave him, was unique...he knows it and I know it and I meant every word I said to him when I expressed such love to him...shame he lied to me and his so called love was not real...it hurts to realize he was a predator and I was his prey. I believed in him, so much...I trusted him with my heart, my love and my life...I gave him my soul as well and he left me so broken inside...the road ahead of me will be long and difficult.
Someday Bob will take responsibility for his actions towards the only woman who ever, really, truly loved him and his daughter. Shame on him for taking her away from me too knowing how much she meant to me and how much I loved and still love her.
- Mood:
- Music: Deathcab for Cutie-Brothers on a hotel
Power was finally restored at my place this late afternoon. I slept at home those nights I was without power since the storm...staying with Nikki. I had to bundle up a lot and I was very cold. I just didn't want my dog to feel lonely. This morning it got too cold and I got up and went to my ex-husband's like I had been these past days to catch up with my emails, watch movies and what not. He lost power the first day but got it back the following day so he got lucky. This was such an awful storm.
I've been so lost in thoughts these past days in the quiet of all this around me...there are still so many things I wonder and still so much sadness inside of me.
A lot of things are going on and I'm hesitant at times but other times I want to believe that things will get better.
Work is going ok...I love it there...
I've been so wrapped up in several things happening these last days and all I can do is wait...and see. I hope that this project I was considered for pans out...it would be so good and a much needed break in my life after all I've gone through.
So much on my mind...so much...the aftermath of all this, that changed my life forever...yet I cannot hate. Someday...maybe someday there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
- Mood:
- Music: Deathcab for Cutie-Cath
I really haven't had much time to write lately and between being busy with work and other things happening in my life, I am usually so drained at the end of the day, that I don't even have energy for anything.
There could be some things coming my way that could change some things in my life and I am sort of waiting for things to unfold and see what happens. I don't really want to say too much until I know for sure and if things pan out but for now, all I can say is that I'm really stoked that I was considered for this thing that could work out...if it doesn't oh well, but at least I was thought of for this project and by someone in the right place and that's enough for me.
I'm sore right now...from class that is. I'm a bit bummed out about my class actually but I hope that things change because it's been long overdue and I know that the road has been very hard for me having dealt with a miscarriage as well as trying to recover physically from all the trauma I went through...yes, something as tough as that along with all the hell I was put through did take a toll on my body as far as stamina and energy levels. My Dr. explained this to me in detail and I'm not surprised, it does make perfect sense.
I have made some good friendships lately that have a lot to contribute to my life and for that, I'm grateful.
So, for now all I can do is try to be patient and wait for this possible project to pan out and enjoy the process of trying to make it happen thanks to this person that thought of me for this.
I've been thinking about many things, lots of things...and there are things I wonder about...
- Mood:
- Music: Michael Buble-Home
You all know how our story was full of signs and not coincidences and how we came into each other's lives...even after all the horrible things he's done to me, there were many more signs that continue to happen and even on days that had a special significance. I have always gotten those messages and he used to as well. You all remember everything that happened and how he'd always be wherever I'd be all this time on days that meant something or if he was present on my mind more than usual...
I had written about this on my myspace blog and it's still there...when I took a job in Kennebunk, it was because out of all places I had applied to, it was the only place that offered me at job at the time, then my boss dissolved her partnership and I stayed in the new salon under new owners but it didn't work out, it was hard to build clients and you all know about that, then I got offered another job there and I took it but it was always so hard to run into him and many times I'd cry and shake feeling all emotional remembering everything he did to me and even at times, I felt anger too if I knew when I'd bump into him as I was coming home from work, knowing he didn't have Emily and that he was on his way to see one of the many skanks he hooks up with online.
So I was glad to get out of Kennebunk because again, it's such a seasonal town and I needed to make more money and I thought at least I wouldn't have to run into him there too and I got the job I always wanted in Saco and bam...on my way back home, on Rt 111 at the light in the intersection with Rt 35 I saw him going the other way...probably to see yet another skank he hooked up with on those ridiculous online dating sites...
So I thought to myself, great, I get a job elsewhere and now I still have to run into him and what if being where I work I have to also run into whoever the latest flavor of the week is.
No matter how I try and what I do, life keeps pulling him back into my life and I'm so upset and frustrated. I can't forget how much he's hurt me and how he lied to me, betrayed me and on top of that all the nightmare he has put me through, the pain, the agony, the nights I didn't sleep and the nights I'd cry myself to sleep because of losing our baby and because of what he did to me and all the crap that was caused to get him to act this way towards me when all I did was love him.
Emily is in my thoughts too...so much...all those women in and out of her life, she doesn't deserve that and she didn't deserve to have him pull me out of her life either because I love her to pieces and she loved me too...I will always love her and continue to pray for her and I shed many tears for her too. I miss her so much!
So now I don't know if these are more signs or a really bad life's joke but some people say that even though he is a jerk who can't see clearly, who is so blind and cannot see that our coming together was a miracle(even if he used to say so)...
This is also so terrible because I broke down and cried, I mean really cried like I haven't in a long time remembering that cold day I stood at the beach grieving for our baby and he wasn't there and this was on my mind as well as him and all the things he used to say to me, the words of love, promises he broke, the talk about growing old together and I still wonder how? how could he do this to me? how could he call me the love of this life and treat me the way he has????
- Mood:
- Music: Michael Buble-You and I
I cried myself to sleep last night because of all the memories of the day I went to see the specialist and that's when it really hit me that I had a miscarriage. I was so hurt and so sad that I was in denial at times and doubting because what I was going through was awful enough given what Bob had done to me and how he treated me.
I remembered my walk to the rocks at Gooch's Beach and how much I was crying, all alone in the bitter cold and all I could do was throw a rose out to see as a way to have some sort of memorial for Bob's and my baby. That was probably one of the loneliest days of my life and I can't describe how painful it was and how I felt. Bob knew that I was going to do that and he didn't even bother to say he'd go as well, after all that was his baby too...and it was yet another dagger straight to my heart.
I'm still grieving so much and it hurts me so much that none of them even cared. I believe God has taken note of that and what goes around comes around. I'm so tired of so much cruelty and insensitivity and everything I have been put through. How dare they judge me? How dare he do what he's done to me?
I have shed so many tears for losing our baby and everything else he's done to me, not having Emily in my life and I miss her so much, every single day...
Andy said something nice to me and I want to share it with you here, because it moved me:
"Thank you so much Geneva. Your words are very kind to me.
I feel your pain of losing a child. I can imagine how much that affects a woman...more so than a man because it is the woman who bares the child. Again, I'm sorry your ex-boyfriend left you, confused, hurt, broken, devastated. I'm angry that a man would do that to such a beautiful woman as you Geneva.
He did not deserve your heart and in the end proved he was not a man of his word. But you are a woman of your word and you still have that, he doesn't.
I have to go to bed now it's already past the time.
With love and sympathy and a great big warm hug,
Andy xxoo"
- Mood:
- Music: Dirty Vegas-Days Go By
I just haven't really felt like writing here in the last few days. I've just been busy with work and what not.
Ryan sent me a really sweet text message yesterday...I miss you too Ryan, I hope you come back soon so I can see you. Ryan as you know is an ex-boyfriend of mine who happens to be a great friend and I trust him a lot, it's true, he is my confidant. I talk to him about everything and he knows me really well.
I also talked to my ex Tim the other day...his daughters are doing well, growing up a lot. I miss them too. They loved me and were anxious for me to move there to live with them but things didn't work out between Tim and I as you know...the distance was too hard on us even though we were being with each other as much as we could.
Onto another topic...something really bizarre happened to me that makes me wonder what the hell is going on and who is behind it...on Saturday at almost 5 a.m. my cell phone rang but only once. It was a number from Sanford but came up as unlisted.
Then as I was ready to go to work early in the morning, I grabbed my purse which I had left on my kitchen island the night before when I got back home from work...as I sat in my car after I put on my seatbelt, I wanted to look for my lipstick in my purse and I was shocked to find a handful for dog food(my dog's) in a corner inside my purse. Now if it was a mouse which I never had issues with here, there would've been a mess everywhere and crumbles but that wasn't the case. There would only be a few pieces instead of a handful. It was all together in one corner of my purse which is also one of those that stand up tall so I don't think a mouse could've done that. Nikki is 17 years old and she can't get on 2 legs anymore, let alone reach the kitchen island and she would not do that, she'd eat the food not put it in my purse or elsewhere.
I had left my kitchen door unlocked that night, I forgot to lock it. When I told my ex-husband he was really surprised and said that it was bizarre. I told him it really freaked me out. So we think that someone came into my place and did that...with what purpose? gee, can't you imagine?
Needless to say, I won't forget to lock my door anymore and I'll make sure I take all necessary steps to protect myself.
I don't sleep walk and I didn't imagine this nor I was dreaming, I was so shocked that I even threw the dog food in my driveway and it's still there...it's getting covered with snow now. Someone out there is trying to mess with me...and I must say that's it's a very, VERY stupid idea and whatever ridiculous or stupid crap they are trying to pull by doing this, it's not going to work.
I might write later.
***11:53 p.m. I've had a headache for a few hours now. I don't know why. I played with my son online for a while this afternoon and then we had dinner together. I've been listening to music online and doing some things, catching up with some of my friends on myspace and what not. I have a lot on my mind...not a day goes by that I don't grieve or think about what a nightmare this all has been and what Bob did to me. I can't believe he was capable of doing the things he's done to me. I feel that everything he ever told me was a lie.
- Mood:
- Music: Wilco-Either Way
I have tried to write here in the last few days only to just delete everything before even hitting the "post" button.
I have been busy at the spa and that's going well, getting used to new things, new system and what not. The Aveda class I went to in Cambridge was great and I can't wait for the next class. I really love what I do.
I was working today and Jamie trimmed my ends which I really needed as I had waited a while to get a trim and my hair looks awesome today. She is fantastic. We had a little lunch and gathering for Carrie as she is close to having her baby. I'm happy for her but at the same time, I feel sadness for my baby whom I never got to hold in my arms. This is still so hard for me as well as so many memories...
I have a lot of mixed emotions about what Bob did to me ranging from disbelief, wondering how could he do this to me, treat me the way he did after saying I was the love of his life...to see what a terrible travesty this is and what it all came to...sometimes I feel like I'm having a nightmare and I want to wake up but it's not happening, it's very real.
My pain and my grief is very real.
The holidays are approaching and I dread it so much because they have never been all that great for me since I was little...something bad always happened around that time pretty much and I feel so sad...so much loneliness. To think that I was looking forward to a good Christmas with Bob and Emily as well as time with my son too. It would've been wonderful and he joked around me putting a massage table I wanted on my Christmas list...I can't believe he has done all the things he's done to me.
One thing is for sure, no one has inflicted more pain and suffering to my life as he has...that's why this is still so hard...the lies, the mistreatment while I was going through so much physical and emotional pain because I was losing them and my baby too.
I miss Emily so much too, I cry for her at times because I wish I could hold her and see her smiles, hear her voice and do all the things I wanted to do with her, things I wanted to teach her and play with her. It breaks my heart so much. That's another reason why this is just so terrible, so unfair and uncalled for.
I am a good person and I didn't deserve what he did to me just because he wanted to justify his actions that destroyed my life, my heart and my dreams.
I'm having a hard day I guess...it's so terribly cold out too...just like my heart feels right now...
Perhaps, I'll write later. I'm very sad right now.
***9:55 p.m. I just dropped my son off at his dad's not long ago. We had dinner and we were talking about his hair. He's always had short hair but it seems all teens these days are growing their hair out! He doesn't want me to cut it and I am trying to convince him that he has to let me trim it at least. Oh boy, teenagers! heh. Anyways, he's going to let me do a scalp treatment/massage on him tomorrow so maybe I can get him to let me cut his hair. He's growing so much...my little man is not so little anymore!
I have so much on my mind right now. I think I'm going to watch TV for a little bit or read. I don't know. I'm just so sickened by everything that Bob has done and has done to me. I trusted him so much and he betrayed me. Someday, I know that someday he will regret all the pain he's caused me, the tears, the humiliation he tried to submit me to, the horrible words and treatment...but it just might be too late.
I wish there was a time machine so I could go back in time to avoid allowing him into my life...it would've saved me all this pain and grief or that none of this had happened.
In one moment a person or an event can destroy your life forever, all it takes is seconds, moments...and it can take a lifetime to recover or you don't recover at all. People like that have no conscience nor respect for others and their lives, their feelings, emotions and their hearts. Someday...someday...
I have this huge hole inside of me, such a huge sense of emptiness, pain, disappointment and disbelief...I know deep down inside, that I will never recover from what he has done to me. So many unanswered questions, so many lies on his part...deceit, cruelty. I'll never forget this.
- Mood:
- Music: Seal-Just Like You Said
It's been quite a few days since I've written here. I have been very busy at the salon going through all kinds of stuff and as of tomorrow I will be at the spa. I was at one of the other 3 salons owned by my boss just learning company's procedures, etc.
Alex didn't make it, unfortunately he had to go to NYC to take care of some of his company's emergencies so I'm really disappointed that he couldn't come. We were really looking forward to seeing each other and going out to do things although the weather really sucked this weekend with all the rain we got.
I was thinking of Emily a lot the other day. I miss her so much. It breaks my heart so much. Not much else going on other than I'm glad about being now a part of one of the Top 200 salons of the country and I can't wait to continue growing as a stylist. I'm going to Cambridge MA this Wednesday for a class pretty much all day about Aveda products and so on. I'm looking forward to that.
***9 p.m. I'm having a hard time right now. I actually went to church this morning, it had been so long since I had been to mass and it wasn't like it was back home, this was kinda quick and I didn't feel so comfortable...I was ok about it though but now, because of how I'm feeling at the moment, I think about all those people that supposedly go to church all the time and are self-proclaimed christians and believers yet when they leave the church go on to hurt other people, their feelings, their lives and don't realize that sometimes words can hurt more than anything else and they can have a terrible lasting effect. I think about all those people who are such hypocrites that they claim to be so faithful yet they turn their back on someone who is in need, is sick or is suffering.
I've always said that I'm living in the wrong times and I'm so tired and so disappointed in humanity. People are so quick to cast stones without looking at their own actions. There is so little respect for human beings and their lives.
"Lord love you! when we see what some people do all the week--people who are stanch at church, remember--I can't help thinking there are a good many poor souls who are only Christians at morning and afternoon service.- Charles Dickens"
- Mood:
- Music: Memoirs of a Geisha Soundtrack-Sayuri's theme
I'm very tired. I went to bed late last night and I wasn't feeling well but I'm doing much better this morning as far as that. I've been trying to catch up with emails, birthday cards, birthday wishes etc from my friends. I just got a call from my ex-husband to say Happy Birthday, my son is sleeping in I guess, he stayed up late playing a video game with his best friend who was sleeping over at his dad's place.
I might be doing something later, probably going out to eat...or something. I got a few invitations but I don't know how I'm going to be able to decide which friend I'm going out to eat with oh God lol. Such a nice gesture on their part. I will spend some time with my son when he wakes up I guess.
I'm not all that glad about another birthday...I'm kinda bummed out remembering how awful it was last year.
I'll write later when I'm done doing whatever I'll decide to do.
***3:06 p.m. My son and my ex-husband just left, they came over to bring a pizza for lunch and strawberry cheesecake for me which I haven't had in ages and I love so much. They got me the latest expansion for Everquest, my son really wanted me to have it so I can access the new zones with them when we play together. So cute, he really likes me playing this with him! Kris will probably come by later and I'm not sure if we're going to have dinner or whatever. Anything is ok with me and it's nice to spend some time with at least one of my friends today. Still, the sadness in my heart remains...I wish things were different...if only...
I'll write some more later.
***11 p.m. Well I've enjoyed a wonderful Italian dinner with some wine thanks to Kris and a movie as well. Food was so good now I feel like I'm going to explode heh. It's ok, it's my birthday and I still haven't gotten a piece of my strawberry cheese cake heh. It was such a great gesture on Kris' part to make sure I didn't have to be alone on my birthday because last year was awful because of what Bob had done to me. I probably put on a couple of punds after such fantastic dinner!
- Mood:
- Music: Seal-Still Love Remains
I haven't had much time to sit here and write but I'm glad to have become a part of the perfect place for me to be a stylist where I can really thrive and my talents are appreciated it and considered part of their culture. I love Aveda products which is what we have at the salon/spa, what they stand for, how they get their ingredients, the fact that they give back, they care about sustainability, the environment and what is actually in their products. They are pretty much 90% organic and I just love their philosophy. I had a wonderful class yesterday and I'm going to be busy at the Scarborough location next week and then I will be at the spa after that where I will be working from now on.
On another note, I had a tough time last night because of so many emotions so I cried a lot and felt really sad because I'm still grieving and last night was very difficult as many things went through my mind, I felt pain too, hurt and so much grief and it had been a while since I had a really, really bad moment like I did last night and those of you who are closest to me, know what this is like which started when I was going through my miscarriage and after the horrible way Bob treated me. A person can only take so much and you know I have tried to be strong all my life and I have endured a lot but this was the most devastating experience of my life as you know. Losing so much at once is so terrible.
I'm also so disgusted by what has been done to me and that whole thing about Bob looking for stupid skanks on personals(I don't feel sorry for those women like that anymore because they are just as bad as men are and maybe that's why they use personals, players just like men are, sluts who sleep around and don't care about who they hurt and so on) back then as soon as I was losing our baby and the fact that, that is what he does, paying $14 bucks a month to talk to some skank online to get her in bed...it's like the cheapest prostitution ring there is. Yeah I know it sounds extreme but think about it, think about all the men they hook up with under the umbrella of dating...and not to mention how quickly they jump in bed with guys they meet there so that should tell you something about what it's like. Desperation, being pathetic...yeah all that applies.
I was talking to Ryan and he keeps telling me that I can have any guy I want even though he knows I'm not like that. My soul and my feelings come first and I'm not going to disrespect my body because it is as much a part of my soul as the air I breathe...and no, I'm not a prude and I don't dislike intimacy and I won't get into explaining that part of me because those I have been in a relationship with know that, this is never an issue but I cannot just give myself to anyone when my heart is so full of pain. I honestly don't understand people that sleep with others for the heck of it without any meaning, without feeling anything for the other person. I guess it's because I see the bigger picture, I'm a deeper person and I'm more spiritual and to me, your body is something you should respect. I could not give it away to someone I don't love or care about...because I think you give a part of yourself...it is a gift of love, it is precious to me.
So many people lack of morals and values these days...funny he used to say he loved that about me...and I thought he was in some ways like me...turns out he was lying...he said he didn't sleep around...who knows how many more women "have touched him" since he was still with me and after me. That makes me sick to my stomach. I might write later. Not feeling well, I was actually feeling like crap last night too...
On another note, Alex will be here next weekend...
***1:25 p.m. Lori, you crack me up, I couldn't help but laugh at your comment below. You are so funny and I love the fact that you're such a loyal friend to me. And you're so right...huge difference as far as how he met me and how he meets these pathetic women.
Onto another thing: I was talking to my first love Andrew...he and I have been in contact all these years. We were so young and I thought I was going to marry him at some point but the distance was hard on us as he was going to college in Melbourne Fl and I was in college in Panama. We were on and off for like 2 1/2 years and I must say that we had really wonderful times, crazy spur of the moment adventures to beaches whenever we felt like going surfing, camped at the beach...went deep sea fishing with his family many times even if I'd get wicked sea sick hah hah. I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I caught a 45-lb wahoo and I thought it was heavy and then Andrew catches a 410 lb blue marlin that he fought for about an hour and it took another hour to get the damn thing on the boat. I remember his dad grabbing a baseball bat and knocking the poor fish out because he was done with the darn fish struggling when they were trying to get it on the boat and it's so dangerous too. Hardcore hah hah!We always talk about old times and laugh about the crazy things we did, funny stuff with our friends and how wonderful it was every time he would go visit me because we hadn't seen each other for a while so it was madness...such youthful passion! So we share a huge bond because of our relationship, his family, the times we shared, the fun we had, our friends and young love after all. It is because of all this, as he said, that we still talk to each other about everything and have been all these past 15 years since we broke up. He's married, has 2 kids and lives in Arizona now which has always been hard for me to understand because he's always been such a fish in the ocean!Surfing, scuba diving, snorkeling, going fishing for days at a time on his boat just for fun, going snorkeling around islands along the way so many times and now he's landlocked!
Andrew is an american but he grew up in Panama, went to school there too. While I was going to one catholic school, he was going to the other until his dad sent him to Valley Forge Military Academy. I remember how crazy I was about him since I was like 14 years old but I was too shy to even talk to him and I'd literally run away every time anyone tried to introduce me to him until I was 18, in college and he happened to be visiting and I ran into a friend of mine who was visiting too and asked me if I wanted to go get something to eat and hang out with some of his friends and little did I know, that Andrew was one of them hah! You should've seen my face when I was finally introduced to him and I couldn't run away lol We had a great time all of us that night and Andrew was smitten by me I guess, so he took me home and as I was about to get out of the car he asked if he could take me out the following day and see me again and I said sure...the next day he shows up to pick me up, we go out, have fun, ran into our friends, had a great time with them and when he was going to take me home we drove to this really nice place by this pond and we were looking at the stars and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I almost died, my all time dream come true since I was 14 lol. But the reality was he was going to college in Fl and I was in Panama and I was hesitant and I expressed my concerns but he insisted and said he'd come visit me, he'd call, write and insisted so much I gave in and said yes! heh heh He says he never really saw me before(gee that's because I literally ran away every time I knew he was around hah hah!) and he fell for me the moment our friend said Andrew, this is Geneva, isn't she just beautiful! and he says he was like oh my god wow I'm in love hah hah!
And we were crazy about each other...but it was so hard being away from each other. But here we are, after all these years, still talking to each other here and there about our lives, kids...our lives. He likes to say that Bob is a tool and when he says that it makes me think that maybe Andrew was british in another lifetime because he likes to use that word a lot. We talked the day before yesterday online and texted each other yesterday when I got out of class. Anyways...I got hurt in our relationship because he ended up cheating on me with his neighbor in Fl and I found out about it(yep in this life everything comes out) so that's what ended our relationship but the distance was a huge factor too.
- Mood:
- Music: Keane-Walnut Tree
I don't have time to write everything I want to say about the horrifying event that happened yesterday. America has made a terrible choice by electing a man that not only has no experience, is not qualified to lead the most powerful country in the world, but someone who is a socialist and that in itself is a very scary thing because I know what it's like to live under the mandate of people with those beliefs. I can't believe the stupidity of people who have put a man who will bow down to terrorists because he's affiliated with terrorists himself.
People have let the liberal media brainwash them as well as doing what Hollywood and Oprah told them to do because they think that those idiots are qualified and they know absolutely nothing! Liberals talk about the economy and this and that and how come they had fundraisers where a dinner plate cost $20,000? Why not give that money to foundations that helped people that are going through hard times, people that can't heat up their homes this winter etc?
They just don't see it, they voted against President Bush even if he wasn't running and the media has crucified him and made him look like it's all his fault when in reality it's the liberals blocking every attempt he made at trying to do right for this country. You can disagree all you want because you think that what the media tells you is true. I assure you, they don't know the concept of journalism. I studied it for a while and I saw with my own eyes their reporting of what was "going on" in Panama but it was completely different than what was really happening there. They twist everything!
Get a copy of the Constitution because Obama is going to change it. I'm so sick to my stomach. This is a scary time for America and they can't even see it! Ignorance is bliss indeed!
My ex-husband who is an Army Veteran called me really late last night and he was disgusted too and he told me that for the first time in his life, he was scared for this country. He understands what people like Obama do when they assume power...he saw what happened in other countries. I am scared for this nation as well...America has blamed the wrong person. It was Clinton who had the chance to take out Bin Laden and he didn't because he knew that by doing so, America would have to go to war and he knew that it would be unpopular so he chose not to do anything and let the next president deal with it and as a result thousands of people died on 9/11. But America said they would never forget and they already did! They just can't see the bigger picture and the truth!
My cut and color came out great last night and Andrea looked fabulous!I have to get ready to get going in a while.
***6:49 p.m. Well, I refuse to watch TV, I don't want to see the media gloating about the elections and I'm so disgusted by all this. And no, I don't like Obama, I get such horrible vibes about the man and I'm 99% dead on that assessment when it comes to people. And I will scream if anyone tries to play the race card with me because it's not about that, if Condi Rice were to run or Colin Powel for the Republican ticket, I'd be so up for that. It's a matter of who is right for the job because I have seen first hand what it's like for people with visions like his get to power and abuse it and take away people's rights. Enough of politics, I'm so sick of it, it's not even funny!
Things went great for me today and I think I finally found the right place for me where I can grow more as a stylist with a great supportive staff that is committed to team work and help each other succeed which is something that's really hard to find sometimes in this cut-throat business I'm in. So I'm excited to have become a member of the culture that this salon strives on and I'm proud to be a part of a gorgeous, high-end salon and spa where I can do what I do best...help people feel good about themselves and look like a million bucks! I needed a salon where they will work with me to achieve my goals and further my education as a stylist because this is an ever-changing industry and I like to keep up with that, so this is very important to me. I pray to God that things do work out here because this feels really right for me and I need good things to happen to me after all the hell I've been going through and put through.
Phil visited me last night. It had been a while and it was good to have a visitor even though we were bummed about what was going on with the elections.
I can't wait for Alex to come visit me from PA next week! I talked to Andrea a while back, she loves her color that I did last night and I think it brings out her eyes even more...she has pretty eyes and I'm excited that my new boss raved about my work on that demo.
I had a lot on my mind today though, on my drive back home after my first day at orientation at the spa. I was thinking about Emily and how I loved being in the kitchen cooking and her being around anxious to eat "yummy foods" like she called my meals. I miss her so much. I loved cooking for her and for Bob too...it was my small labor of love but in my mind, one of my favorite times and places to be at home...making meals for my loved ones, feeling like a family, talking to him about our day and talking to Emily. That's part of how I pictured our lives would be, I truly loved the role of doing that for them, taking care of them that way. Some people see cooking as a chore and some don't even like it, to me it was always a labor of love and a special time to bond. I had so much more to give besides what I had already given to them...he knows that no one else will devote her life and love to him and to Emily like I did...and he knows he told me so himself. This is truly a travesty. I meant everything I said to him and I wanted to devote my life to them, to a life together like he wanted to...always with loyalty, faithfulness and love...and he threw it all away. Shame on him for not remembering that I am who I was with him even though right now I'm someone who has been hurt savagely, who has had her dreams shattered and her hopes destroyed...someone who grieves every day for the baby I didn't get to hold in my arms.
- Mood:
- Music: Wilco-Either Way
I've had a really awful headache all day today that just won't go away. I was thinking a lot about London today...remembering when I went there and how much fun I had there. I want to go back again someday.
I spent a bit of time with my son not long ago. Nikki and I went for a ride to Waterways yesterday to get a coffee for my ex and hot chocolate and a cheese danish for me. Nikki loved going for a ride.
Today's Panama's Independence Day from Colombia commemoration. This is a really fun month there because of this as well as other patriotic events. I do miss those days, they were always so much fun.
Last night was rough for me because of how hard it still is for me to go through all this nightmare and my grief is still very much present every day. I never imagined that I'd be going through such devastating heartbreak in my life nor that the one person I loved and trusted the most could do such terrible things to me. I feel so let down and so hurt. I remember the day I tried to leave him, it was the hardest thing I ever did and it ripped my heart in a million pieces to tell him it was over but he wouldn't let me leave him, with tears in his eyes he said "no, I won't let you leave me, I won't let you throw away what we have! this is too precious to throw away and I will do whatever it takes to fight for you and my daughter..." And I stayed, I didn't leave him, I stood by him, I tried to help him and then he threw me away and destroyed me in the process, destroyed my dreams, my hope, my heart...
On another note, Andrea will be my model and I'm going to do a cut and color on her tomorrow as a demo in Scarborough. I'm really glad about her volunteering for this because this project is very important for me in my growth as a stylist.
- Mood:
- Music: The Family Guy's theme
I'm wide awake even though I'm really tired. I'm watching The Family Guy Season 6 on my lap top by my bedside and just taking a little break before I continue watching it. My son and I love this show, anyway this is actually his boxed set.
I didn't have any trick or treaters to my disappointment as I ended up with a lot of candy so I took quite a lot to my son whom I thought was going to go out with his friends to score candy but they didn't. I was disappointed about that too because he's growing so much and I do miss the times when he was little and we'd take him out trick or treating. We had so much fun doing that. We had a great time in our old neighborhood in Lake Arrowhead. He's still in touch with many of the kids he grew up with and went to school with when he lived there.
So I went to my ex's place to bring candy and my ex made me some mozzarella sticks because I didn't really eat much for dinner and I was feeling a bit weak and shaky for not eating well.
So I stayed at my ex's for a while talking to him. My son was hanging out with his best friend from Jon from Waterboro and his other friend Will from here. I came home and wrote an email to my cousin Luis Carlos and I've been watching The Family Guy since then.
I have a lot on my mind...a huge sense of disbelief. This world is so full of people who lie so easily to hurt others without thinking of how much their lies can affect a person's life.
Well I might write later, going to continue watching that boxed set.
***11:31 p.m. I just got back home, I took my son to Newington to get some new soccer cleats and shin guards because he's starting an indoor league tomorrow in Saco and he's going to be doing that with Will which is really cool. So we went shopping and had a bite to eat and got to spend time together just him and I which we haven't been able to do much lately, I mean I see him all the time but he's always with his friends or my ex is around so this was a great, quality time for just him and I. We listened to the bands he likes in my car then he fell asleep heh heh, he's like me, if I'm not driving I get sleepy in cars. We talked and what not. After that I hung out with him at his dad's even more because my ex played Don't Mess with the Zohan again. Such a funny movie. I have a slight headache right now though. I have to throw some laundry in and do a couple of things I guess. I talked to my sister for a while on my way back from NH, my son talked to her too. I still have a lot on my mind. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up from this terrible nightmare. I did feel sadness when I saw some babies at the mall and some little kids playing at that play area they have because it's still so hard for me due to my grief and because it also reminded me of the day we took Emily there and she was playing...she was being so cute climbing and sliding. I miss her so much too. I didn't show my emotions to my son though but it was hard seeing all those kids.
- Mood:
- Music: Tool-Stinkfist
I'm so cold today. I really do hate cold weather. I just finished adding some of the photos from my recent photo shoot with Mike but he's working on the best ones still so as soon as he's done with them, I will post those in my albums that are MEANT TO BE FOR MY FRIENDS ONLY!!!
My meeting went really well today, I have to do something for a project real soon and I have to find a model for that particular project.
My former master wanted me to go to his Dojo last night to work out with him and guests from a school in Old Orchard Beach but I was too exhausted and really drained after dealing with all that ridiculous crap but that's alright, things worked out just FINE.
I talked to my sister yesterday and today again. I have to try to call my cousin Mariluccie soon, I'll try Mari ok? thank you for your sweet comment previously here! I miss you so much too!
I might write later.
****11:56 p.m. Those of you who have known all the things I've been going through for a long time, know that I have suffered so much and that I have a million reasons to hate him and he has 0 to hate me. You know I have let my love do what love is supposed to do, to forgive and turn the other cheek, to try to have patience, to try to understand even the inexplicable but I have felt so many emotions ranging from the most agonizing pain, sadness, emptiness, disappointment, feeling blindsided, astonished because of things he accused me of and I really have nothing to do with but I have a feeling who is behind that...but he didn't care to listen...regardless of all that, because of who I am, the type of person I am...someone with deep honor, integrity, honesty and perhaps a big heart, I just couldn't hate him...believe me I wanted to but I couldn't because unlike him, I meant every single word I said to him when I said I loved him deeply and I gave everything of me that I had never given to anyone else before. But right now, I feel upset and I feel anger because I didn't deserve any of this or this kind of treatment and such disregard and disrespect for my life because I am after all, a human being!
- Mood:
- Music: Tool-Parabola
Ahh yes there he goes again, playing for "his audience' poor me Bob. He is nothing but a hypocrite and an evil person, no doubt now.
oh yeah let's see "you are the most gorgeous and beautiful woman I've ever had in my life".
Humm did it bother him that I modeled? not at all, let's see after he followed me home when he met me, stalked me for months without me knowing until he confessed it to me...how did he get in touch with me? through my webpage's contact form...he knew then I modeled too and I even asked him when we were together if that was an issue for him because my culture and this are completely different in many aspects and I've been a model for years for photography and fashion shows and his response? no, not at all, I'm proud of my sexy, beautiful girlfriend!"
Yeah it's all a play for the audience, he has to pretend that he's a good guy so appalled that he got photos of me. Maybe he had his latest victim looking over his shoulder and he has to play the part and pretend. If he was so upset about getting my latest photos by mistake, why does he look at them all the time?
Nothing but hypocrisy...just playing the part for the audience to make himself look good but he knows better and I know better. If I were to be as low as him I could disclose the tasteless things he proposed sometimes and I simply acted like he didn't say it and ignored it; tasteless is the kind of stuff he allowed to happen before me that he knows I would never, ever do nor allow and he said he didn't really like doing that, yeah right, then why do them and allow such disrespect to the sanctity of your home and your marriage?
He was all up for it I did things for him specially and he said that no one ever did what I did for him and he loved every minute of it and everything I'd put on for him. He's a coward, a liar and dishonorable for disrespecting me the way he has and to go as far as doing what he did tonight when those were not intended to go to him but to my friends and my friends only, the ones I trust who appreciate the art of what I do sometimes and not for him to do what he did with them tonight just because he's trying to act like the good guy that he is not just like he played me making me think he was kind, loving, wonderful when in reality he was preying on me, playing me and using me!He was just trying to humiliate me and embarrass me by doing what he did tonight but it didn't work!
What a waste of resources that need to be focused on more important things than "whaaaa I got photos of my ex-girlfriend, I'm worried about my safety!"She's going to jump out of the photos and hurt me!"You know I'm really sick and tired and fed up with cowards resorting to play that stupid game just because I'm a martial artist. Martial Arts is NOT about violence and it's not why I do it. I do it for the right reasons so get over it!
He can try to hide things all he wants, God knows what he did to me, how evil he has been, how cruel, careless to the one he said was the love of his life not to mention the fact that he destroyed my life, caused me stress that may have cost our baby's life! Made me lose my apartment, did not pay a penny to help me get this new place and he put me in this situation and he didn't care about his baby, he treated me like an animal screaming at me to go to the hospital because he wasn't a doctor!...yeah hell of a guy. The truth always comes out one way or another and you reap what you sow. This is what he did to me and he knows it, if he didn't want to be known as the cruel jerk that he is, he shouldn't have done what he did...What goes around comes around. He had no right to come into my life to cause me so much pain and treat me the way he has because he wanted to hide the truth...
He is not a good person and doesn't know the word honesty, respect let alone love! He is a liar and a predator. Hah 2 months? boy his memory is really bad, it was more than that...let's see, "time didn't matter because we had been together in another lifetime" according to him, we had known each other in another lifetime and everything was so perfect and we knew each other so well...bla blah blah, yeah all part of his game, his lies that I'm sure he tells all the other women too.
I might write later. Thanks for your messages and emails, you all know the real me and the truth here and who the real liar is and it's definitely not me.
***11:55 p.m. He has the nerve to talk about stalking? hmm let's see who stalked me for months? me stalking? no no, that's his specialty not mine. I have enough problems to waste money and gas on someone who treated me like an animal. I even think twice before going to the store to save gas as much as I can and I'm gonna waste time stalking? give me a break.
I wish someone had warned me about him! I wish I had seen him in those sites before I got involved with him because I loathe personals' sites and what they stand for. Nothing but lies, players and heartbreak comes out of that...Predators having a field day with the desperate and lonely. Stalking? no, that's Bob's specialty. He can play all he wants with all those stupid women, I don't even feel sorry for those that do know about men like him anymore and what they do and they don't care...they will care when players do it to them! What will the latest woman's ex-husband say when he finds out the kind of man she's trying to bring into her kids' lives? Yeah he can go on being pathetic having to pay 14 bucks a month to date a woman, that is truly pathetic...you all know my opinion about those disgusting dating sites and what they stand for and what they promote: lies, dishonesty, promiscuity, heartbreak, cheating. It truly is disgusting that he has to pay 14 bucks a month to talk to a woman and get her in bed.
This is why I'm taking a stand because I've had enough of him doing things like this to hide behind his cowardice because he won't own up to what he did to me and trying to portray me as someone I'm not and God knows how many other women out there he's hurt too. I'm so, so sick of evil people! Someday justice will be done for all the tears I've shed, the pain, the loss of my baby and all the sleepless nights I've had to deal with while he's out acting like the true immoral man he really is. Hypocrite!He's so full of it! I'm so tired of turning the other cheek and I have for the longest time after every single despicable thing he's done to me!
*****10/29/08 1:40 a.m. yep up late but that's been going on for a long time now, having insomnia. I'm very touched by the amount of support from not just my martial arts family including my former master whom I talked to on the phone, my friends and not so close friends who sent me messages on here and my diary about this. Such a liar he is...the way he referred to as him "seeing me" for "only" 2 months when it was more than that and he wasn't seeing me, he referred to me as the love of his life, his future wife and step-mom to Emily...his soul mate, his lover in another lifetime blah blah blah and now I'm just another one he was seeing...only 2 months, right! when he said that time didn't matter and it felt like we were together longer than a lifetime. It wasn't 2 months, boy what the heck does he smoke now that his memory is so bad?Not to mention that he told his family I was the love of his life and that he was going to marry me, his sister told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him; his mom also told me he told them he wanted to marry me. Oh that's right, I'm a liar and now that didn't happen? I remember the day we went to Sebago with his family and talking with his sister him and I and how we all got teary when she was saying how happy she was for us and he said that his mom pulled him aside and asked him Bob why don't you ask Geneva to move in with you? and he told her that he had already asked me and we were already doing that. I remember the 3 of us all teary talking about this. Yeah I'm just someone he was seeing. And how about him telling everybody the story of how we met too? he actually took me to a restaurant in Cape Porpoise where he had done some work for them and he told me that he told the owners the story and that they said it was the most romantic story ever and that we were definitely meant to be and the owner came out to meet me and said he was right but that I was prettier than he described. Right...I'm just someone he was seeing now. His emails said otherwise, cards, messages. I still have all of that...right. I'm a liar right?
And the last time he spoke to me while driving me home the day I accidentally locked my keys in my car he told me that he "didn't want me to think that what we had wasn't real". Right and now it's just "seeing me for 2 months!" right. Humm there is a huge difference between seeing someone and calling someone your future spouse, the love of your life, the only one, and say that no other woman would ever touch him hah yeah right...I wonder how many have "touched" him since now!Liar!!!
I bet he told all those women they were the same thing and now says he was only "seeing them" how would this latest victim feel to know that she is just a friend? I assume that's what he was referring to because I don't know any of his friends so I have no idea how would I contact them??? it must be his latest "bed friend" because he's gone through quite a few of those "friends with benefits" and even I don't know their names, only that he was "seeing them". This man is truly, truly an evil player who has no respect for other human beings, their lives and feelings oh and not even their kids or even his own daughter because of all the women he's had in and out of her life! My heart breaks for Emily so much...you don't do that to kids!
Nothing but cruel, mean and full of ill intended words come out of his mouth. What goes around comes around and he will have to live with the despicable acts he committed against me! Cold and cruel poor excuse of a man!
He dug his own hole and keeps digging deeper and deeper. His actions have defined him as a person, not me and every time he whines about me, the woman whose only sin was to believe and love him so much and turned the other cheek over and over again; he makes himself look worse and among those he whines to, I'm sure he comes across as the evil jerk he is for doing this to the woman he claimed to have loved so much. Damn right I'm sick of this and I'm not going to take it anymore. He can keep thinking that he's done no wrong and that he can go through life destroying other people's lives, dreams, hearts and feelings. This will stay with him forever and people who don't regret causing so much pain and harm and who turn to such stupid and evil acts to keep hurting someone because they are not man enough to own up to their actions, will get what they deserve sooner or later because in this life, what goes around comes around!
- Mood:
- Music: The Smiths-How Soon is Now?
He thinks he won't have to be hold accountable for what he's done but sooner or later, in this life, everything comes out and if any stupid woman out there believes for a moment that he is such a great person, well she will find out the hard way like I did unfortunately. If he was capable of doing what he did to me, the so called "love of his life" what do you think he'll do to others? Delusional is what these women are. I wish someone had warned me about him. I understand he's handsome but just because he's handsome and good with words, doesn't mean he is a good and considerate person deep down inside. What he did to me is not considerate at all, it was cruel and uncalled for. Someday the truth will come out and he will have to really regret it and feel remorse for the way he treated me. Bob will regret it. I'm sick of him not owning up to what he's done and treating me the way he has when he knows I didn't do anything and he had no right to put me through this hell he's put me through. Karma is a bitch indeed, what goes around comes around. There will be justice sooner or later.
I've been hanging out with my son, doing things and I have to get up early to bring him to Waterboro to see one of his friends' thing at the school there. He has many friends there still because he grew up there for the most part and went to school there for a long time so we know people in that area. In fact, I think after I drop him off, I'm going to go see his best friend's mom who just had surgery to see how she's doing and to talk to her. She knows a lot of people too. As always, I will stop by Waterways to get my hot chocolate.
I'm really looking forward to Alex's visit. I'm so glad I have such great friends, I just wish they were closer but thank goodness I can communicate with them here and there.
I've also been talking to my former instructor and I'm thinking about asking him if I can train with him and his life-long training partner who is amazing in several arts as well. My former instructor and I used to do these really fast drills with escrima sticks. They are so much fun and can be so lethal too. Whenever he wanted to demonstrate some drills he'd call me up and we'd "stick fought" to show the class how to do the drills. I miss doing that so I think I'm going to ask him if we could do that soon. I need to polish my swords, been meaning to do it in the last few days so I'm going to get to it.
I'm also doing a photo shoot with Mike later. It's always a great distraction and he is good to work with. I'm looking forward to that.
***6:41 p.m. I'm getting ready to go do the photo shoot with Mike in a little bit. So much on my mind though. Shaking my head at the stupidity of someone, I guess there's a reason people like that are referred to as "dumb". I might write later.
- Mood:
- Music: Cage9-Sticks 'n Stones
This was meant to open up to those friends that I didn't tell everything to and that I had pulled away from not because of anything they did but because I've been so overcome with grief and some things, I just didn't want to let them know about but I wrote this really long entry for them to apologize for not opening up and letting them know what I really went through so here it is; It's full of pain and I'm still in tears
Speaking out about what happened between Bob McGrath and I
Many of you already know what happened and how much I've been suffering and what was done to me but not everything except for my closest friends and I must apologize to some of you, my friends who are important to me as well but I didn't feel comfortable telling you everything that I've gone through.
I keep a diary that only few people I trust know about where I have been writing every day pretty much to let out my feelings, my pain and my grief. But now, I want you to know the extent of this horrible nightmare because it's my reality and it will explain why I don't write so much anymore here or to even some of you. Understand that I've been through hell. This is not a happy story and if you're not a close friend and don't like to hear about sad things then you might not be a true friend after all. I'm tired of people being inconsiderate of others, their feelings and suffering so here it is, what Bob did to me, my life and how much I'm still suffering.
I was very happy thinking that my future was going to be bright and full of love until my dying day because if you have read my story here before, you'll know that Bob and I believed we were together in another lifetime and that our love was so perfect and meant to be because of how we met, how "we" fell in love with each other at first sight and loved each other without knowing each others' names for months nor really talking or knowing each other after our brief encounter at the grocery store in Sanford. I was ecstatic and you got to see some of the messages he used to post here for me that I kept but they disappeared once he got rid of his page here.
We were truly happy until his ex-wife did what you all know she did and he got scared and stressed out and I was in the middle of moving in with him(some of my stuff already in his house) and I had given notice to my landlord and she did what she did and he panicked and said I couldn't move in yet until that situation got resolved, the stress began. I was already pregnant, I suspected it, he saw me with symptoms, he knew it as well and agreed that it seemed so but there was no time to really think about it and I needed to get another place to live because my landlord wouldn't let me stay after I had given notice so I had to find another place in a hurry.
He was changing and I was noticing things...he made some comments and did a few things that I will not post here but they made me feel concerned, I saw him get more and more stressed out and he began taking things out on me:
Excerpts from some of his emails(because I am not making anything up!):
"Geneva, I just want to appologize for causing you to hurt. I am hurting as well. My situation right now is very stressful for me right now. My full attention isneeded to get through it and I'm sorry that I had topull away from you.
I fully understand that you love me and I feel it deepwithin my heart. I feel the same way about you. Itwas not just a coincidence that we met in the fashionthat we did. It was a miracle. I truly meanteverything that I ever said to you. You are the mostamazing, loving, selfless person that I have ever metand I know for the rest of my life that I will neverfind someone who loves and devotes themself to me like you have. I didn't want to ever hurt you and it kills me to think that I have. I would never let you suffer like this, but right now I am drained of my life force that is required even to maintain a good relationship.I think that we can still have a chance once we havedealt with our problems. I feel spent and emotionallyexhausted that I cannot expend the energy I need toeven have a relaxing night together. Sometimes when I am stressed out I say things that are hurtful and forthis I appologize.
I do love you and hope that things can work out in ourfuture.I love you,Bob "
******************
This is while that was going on, me not being able to move in and looking for another place and he had begun taking things out on me and I never, ever, not even once raised my voice at him. By our problems, he meant our kids' custody issues.
**********
"First off I want to apologize about the situation weare in. I know that I have put you through anemotional rollercoaster ride. This is my life rightnow, it is up and down constantly. I'm so sorry thatI can't change the situation, but right now I cannot. Emily is, and needs to be my main focus in life. You are an important part of her life right now...she's crazyabout you! I want you in our lives and I cannotexpress this enough.I think that we can work through this. I'm sure thatyou have rights when it comes to your apartment andcould stay there. You need to talk to your land lordasap. If this is not an option then we can find you anew place. If they don't allow dogs then Nicki canlive at my house. It will not change my love for you. Let me know what you want to do, and I will help inevery way possible. I did not intend on thishappening, but our ex's have ruined our plans. I hopethat we can work through this.I am here tp help you move your stuff even if youdecide that you no longer wish to be with me. I hopethat this is not the case, but if you choose this I'llunderstand. I am giving you some space to think, but I would love to talk to you. Please call me. I can watch Nicky anytime as well if it helps.Please don't let this destroy what we share, it wouldbe a travesty. I want to be with you, we just need tolet the situation around us dissolve a bit so that wecan move on.I Love You Geneva,Bob "
*************
Throughout all that I understood, I really did but I was starting to fall apart because I had started to feel a strange pain and my classmates remember how ill I was at times in class, the fact that I was showing a bit and they asked me if I was pregnant.
So I found this place but it's more expensive, heat not included and with a lease and he told me to take it, just take it because leases could be broken any time, not to worry about heat because I'd be spending most of the time at home with him and once things would get resolved, we'd resume our plans which you know included us building a life together. The other alternative was a one-bedroom apartment that did not allow dogs and he said Nikki(my dog) could stay with him because this was only temporary...can you imagine if I had done that? I would've lost my dog too and wouldn't been able to see her now. She's been with me since 1997. She has had to suffer because of this too because she is 17 years old and the stairs here in this place are too much for her and every day she has a hard time coming up and she won't stay downstairs because she has to be with me, she's always been wherever I am at home and sleeps on the floor by my side of the bed "guarding me". My dog has fallen many times off the stairs, it's too much for her!
He had told me many times I'd be his wife. He talked about getting a bigger house elsewhere and things like that. So I was scared and feeling uneasy about this and took this place. I moved a lot of things on my own because unfortunately his dad had a heart attack and my classmates will remember when he told me on the phone that I had never ran so fast in my life, I threw my stuff and ran to go meet up with him to go with him or follow him to MA but my car's tires were low and he said I'd better return home so I didn't get to go and I was worried sick about his dad and trying to move things here. All that while I was feeling those strange pains. I had to come up with the Deposit, 1st and last month's rent. He didn't help me with that and I didn't say a word out consideration for his dad being in the hospital in MA.
Then he helped me move the rest of my stuff here, he was changing even more and I got really worried, he wanted distance and I tried to give it to him so he could get his thoughts together to prepare to deal with his ex, but I was worried about the dreaded word "space".
I had a wisdom tooth that had broken and needed surgery so I got a call to inform me someone canceled and that I'd have my surgery the next day and to make sure someone would drive me there. I had no family here and no close friends so I called him and told him and he said he couldn't take time off because he'd need it in a few weeks to deal with his ex and that situation and he sounded stressed out so I left it at that. I ran online into my former realtor and talking about stuff and my tooth he offered to take me to my surgery in Portland. He felt so bad that my boyfriend would not do this for me and I tried to make excuses for him. I felt so disappointed and let down too.
So I got very ill after that and I didn't understand why because I had a wisdom tooth pulled out before and I was ok after surgery. I got so sick, dizzy, weak I was even throwing up and could barely get out of bed and I got worse. That night he called me and asked me what I was doing and I told him I was ill and that I had the surgery and he got really upset with me and said "I can't believe you didn't call me to tell me and you got it done without telling me! I'm so mad!You can't be alone, you need to be taken care of!" I told him after he said he couldn't get time off I didn't want to bother him and I was giving him space too and he said that it didn't mean that he didn't love me nor cared about me and that he was coming to get me right that moment. And he did. He came with Emily to get me and brought me to his house. I was getting worse, I was so weak and even fell at one point trying to go to the bathroom. He was agitated and tried to argue with me then he stormed off out of the room and then came back in and said "Geneva you need to know that I really do love you" and he was kind again like he was before and he took care of me. He brought me home in the morning before he went to work and he was being really good checking on me calling me throughout the day but I was worse, dehydrated because I couldn't even get out of bed. He said he'd bring me something to drink after work but he never did and I waited, and waited, no call, no answer. I was worried, the next day nothing...I was more worried that something had happened to him and Emily and I dragged myself out of here the day after to see if they were ok and I was so weak and almost passing out knocking on his door and he came screaming at me to go to the hospital because he wasn't a dr. and I stood there in terror and disbelief that the loving man I fell in love with was treating me with such cruelty. I was so scared, terrified. That was not the same Bob I fell in love with, this was someone else, I couldn't believe he was treating me like that, as if I wasn't human, screaming at me and saying the most horrible things. It scared me so much. My whole world came crashing down.
That's how he left me and I don't know how I got home and I continued being sick but I didn't know it was so bad, I thought it was just a bad reaction to surgery. I was also having moments where I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown and there is a reason for that. I lost 10 lbs in 3 days.
I was wrong thinking that the initial pain I was feeling was maybe due to a gastrointestinal issue and that I got so sick because of a side effect to the anesthesia when I had that oral surgery, as I found out later on.
Bob sent me this email after he screamed at me apologizing:
******
" I should apologize. I know what I did washurtful, but felt the need to do it in order to getthe distance that I need. I am not strong enough atthis point to help with your anxiety problem. It isnot something that I can fix for you. You are awonderful person and can fix this problem. Not much new going on here, just trying to get throughthe next couple of months. Emily is good and my dadis doing pretty well. How is Nickis rash..stillwearing her cone?Please keep taking care of yourself...love ya, Bob"
**********
Yeah, fix 'that problem' right, because feeling the emotions of knowing something is happening and you're not too sure what it is but your body is feeling it, your heart is feeling in and your mind too, that something's happening and you don't understand and with everything else going on, how could I not have had a breakdown huh? yeah that problem, the pain of losing the ones you love is a problem in his book I guess.
I was losing our baby when all that happened I guess and I was in denial and even doubted or wanted to believe that maybe I wasn't...but then without getting too graphic, more things happened and I was even more sure that I had been going through a miscarriage...I saw my Dr., he said that it was the case more likely but he wanted a specialist to see me and the specialist examined me, and only 2 things could cause what I went through and in my case it was a miscarriage. I was devastated. I was told that this is why I was feeling emotionally and even mentally drained and on the verge of a breakdown and indeed, I did have a breakdown but Bob didn't understand this I guess. What was I supposed to feel? Was I supposed to be cold and careless about it? Well I'm not a cold and careless human being and I lost my baby!I don't care what people think and what some of their beliefs are, to me a life begins at the time of conception period, a life has to start somewhere not in the middle of things! This was an early miscarriage but it doesn't mean I didn't love my baby right away. The moment it dawned on me that I was pregnant, I was scared because I had a tough pregnancy with my son but I loved my baby just like I loved my son the moment I realized I was pregnant!
The pain of having a miscarriage is something I can't describe and I'm grieving to this day. I guess sometimes I'm in denial about what he did to me because I can't understand how someone can go from being so loving to being so cruel just like that when I had done nothing but love him and his daughter so much.
Then some of you know the nightmare that followed, how much I was suffering for losing the love of my life, Emily and my baby.
I began to get anonymous calls about him, when I tried to let him know and ask if there was any truth to that, things got a lot worse and you know what he has done to me since then, the accusations that made me feel shocked because I didn't do what he claimed I did(but I have a feeling as to who is really behind that).
Right now I can't even bring myself to disclose everything completely, and there were other things he did to me and said to me that are just too painful and unbearable for me to even write them and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because this nightmare has affected my life in many ways I cannot even express and to think that maybe I was lied to, used, cheated on, preyed on is hard to believe and understand but his behavior throughout all that confuses me and makes me think it's possible that he is not who I thought he was. I really believed him and believed in him, he crossed that barrier I had for a long time of trust and I trusted him so much like I said. He was so good with words and expressing feelings and emotions. I'd hate to think it was all a well-rehearsed lie.
I don't wish for anyone to go through what I've been going through, this pain, the way my heart was ravaged, the agony, the grief and feeling like a part of me died as well. I'm not the same in many ways. I've been marked for life, traumatized by this and all this cruelty, what he did to me and the way he treated me...I hope that no one has to go through what I've been suffering. I lost so much...This is my reality. I don't sleep well, I have nightmares still and I cry for my baby too and Emily because I miss her terribly.
Those of you who know me well, know that I am a person of integrity and I'm honest and this is what happened to me and he knows it too. He has tried to go through extremes to cover this up but he knows what he did to me, he knows what happened and I'm far from crazy. He has tried to humiliate me, turned his family against me and has tried to portray me as the bad one here, a liar when he knows what he's done to me and there are people who know what he did to me.
He knows that what he did to me, no matter what, is going to haunt him and will always come back to bite him in the behind because sooner or later, all the women he tries to play the poor me, I have an evil ex-wife who is also crazy, and Geneva who is crazy too(yeah don't we all ex's join that club all the time when men are busted lying, cheating, etc? Such a cowardly excuse); will find out and walk away. No one deserves to go through what I've gone through. He had no right to come into my life and do this to me and to have the nerve to accuse me of things I didn't do because he can't own up to his actions.
I lost my place, my baby, Emily and him too and I have a hard time accepting that it's possible everything he ever told me was a lie because of how everything points in the direction of him being unfaithful like the calls said, the horrific way I was treated when he knew I didn't have anyone here close I could turn to. You don't do those things to someone you said was the love of your life. The women and the things I've been told...it hurts to realize that maybe he was preying on me after all.
I gave my best, everything and in turn I was ravaged emotionally and my heart was broken beyond repair. I cannot trust after this. Those of you who do know what happened, thank you for your words of comfort even if you are not here. My witnesses to this situation are people I cannot mention but they know who they are including my 2 doctors, professionals that assisted me dealing with this situation. Non-friends that knew about my miscarriage so it's not like I had any close friends here really to be next to me while going through this. My ex-boyfriend Ryan saw me when I was still pregnant, already showing a bit and he noticed. He was going back and forth to Fl at the time so he wasn't around when I had my miscarriage but he came back not long after and saw me and how much weight I had lost. I trust him and he knows everything as well.
There is so much more that has happened but I can't even write anymore. This is probably the longest I've ever written here but this is what happened to me and all this time I've been grieving. I can't count the many nights I've cried myself to sleep at night, or how hard it is for me to see babies still...to remember how he was with me when he was the most loving man I had ever known and then to remember his acts of cruelty that pierced my heart so deeply I feel like there is nothing left. I made so many excuses for him, tried to find logic in his behavior, blamed myself even when I knew deep down inside I had done nothing wrong because I was honest with him always, from day one. I loved him and gave him the best of me and everything I said I meant it, and my promises to him were sacred to me and to that, I hold true. He let me down, he didn't stand up for me, he failed to protect me and destroyed my life. I'm tired of all this. I didn't want to believe that this was emotional abuse like experts in the matter where telling me even though I know the signs really well. I couldn't accept or believe that he was doing that to me. All my life I've tried to be a good person, to do good deeds and be there for people.
Always had the typical caring for others thing going on, that's who I am, always trying to protect, care for others when they needed caring, help unconditionally even when I have been treated like shit. I have given the best of me and God knows this is how I feel, this is how I have suffered and I had nothing but good intentions and I wish that no one would have to suffer the way I have! I have been through all this alone, confused and wounded not understanding how could anyone be so cruel.
The supposed cheating, I never got a straight answer from him instead you know what he did to prevent me from getting the truth. Everything comes out one way or another. There are people who talk and I hear things without even wanting to because these places are not that big after all. It's like I have eyes and ears everywhere without even wanting to. I've been told others have gotten hurt and I wonder how many more. I wish I had someone come to me and warn me and it would've saved me all this pain, heartache and grief. He told me he didn't sleep around, now I know that was a lie because he does sleep around, even with women he meets the first day!
He's out there preying I guess, he didn't waste time either while I've been suffering for the loss of OUR baby and he treated me worse than an animal that night that as it turns out was maybe the start of my miscarriage. As soon as I had gone to the specialist I sent him a message to let him know, he didn't care. I sent him a copy of the Dr's order for an ultrasound to determine whether I had an ovarian cyst or if it was a miscarriage like my specialist suspected. Right off the bat he said he thought it was a miscarriage and he doubted it was a cyst but he wanted to be sure. Not an offer to help from Bob in any way, nothing.
I made him aware of my plan to go to the beach to throw a rose out to sea for our baby's memory and he didn't care either, he didn't go with me. I stood on the rocks at Gooch's Beach in the freezing cold crying, feeling so devastated grieving for our baby all alone. I had nothing else to remember our baby by, nothing but the love within me for an innocent life lost that was starting to form inside of me. How can anyone be so cruel? I didn't deserve any of this. I'm a human being, not trash and I was good to him, so good to him and devoted myself to him and his daughter. He had no right to destroy my life.
I'm tired of him resorting to low means to justify his wrong-doings, to hide the truth and that he tries to make me out to be someone I'm not because he can't own up to his actions and what he did to me and my life.
Think what you will but this is the truth and this is how I feel.
This is why I've withdrawn from so many things, because I've been suffering so much and many times, even quietly. You can't imagine the extent of my pain and to have to deal with so much injustice on top of that. The devastation, the pain, the sleepless nights, the nights I cry myself to sleep grieving, the agony and to be left to wonder why and how could this have happened. I will never, ever believe nor trust anyone again and while I've been suffering all this time and maybe like they said when he was still with me, he jumped in the sack so easily with others and even soon after leaving me. My life destroyed and all he could think about was looking for women online on those STUPID PERSONALS and some of you remember the way I found out about it and how devastated I was when that happened and his response when I confronted him about it saying that "he was bored, he didn't know what he was doing, that those profiles were fake anyway and those women were fat and ugly". Right!
I do believe in karma, what goes around comes around. Sooner or later...sooner or later...and if those women he cheated on me with knew what he did to me and what he was doing and didn't care, well one day it might happen to them and they will regret not caring and not giving a damn. Yes Karma can be a bitch, wait until it happens to you.
For every ounce of pain, every tear I've shed, every sleepless night, every nightmare, every moment of agony and desperation, the pain inside of me and physically, the emotional scars...for all of this that the man that referred to me as the "love of his life" has put me through, there has got to be justice someday, regret and hopefully shame because no one, NO ONE deserves to go through what I've gone through. I have been hurt time and time again until there are days I feel numb or like I have nothing left inside of me and days like today when I feel such deep pain because I know what he's done to me and I know more people will get hurt. All those women in and out of Emily's life...I care because I love her as my own! You just don't do that to your kids!!!
Some wounds are just too deep and time DOESN'T HEAL ALL WOUNDS! Some scars are forever!
How can I not think that everything he ever told me was a lie after what he's done and how he treated me?He is very good with words and knew how to get to my heart, fueled my dreams and gave me so much hope for the future talking about us growing old together...I guess he tells people what he thinks they want to hear.
How can anyone do this to another human being? How? How is it that he gets to sleep at night like nothing when I haven't been able to have a good night sleep for a long time and I didn't do anything wrong? How is it that those who do wrong, cause so much pain and destroy someone's life get to sleep and go through life without a conscience or remorse?
I gave him the best of me, I put my life, my heart and my trust in his hands, how dare he? How could he do this?
Get over it? Move on? You try going through this hell see if you can "move on" so quickly if you have a heart and if you loved and cared about not just a man but a baby that never got to be in my arms, a little girl whom I love as if she was mine too. Thank God I have my son whom I love and adore and he knows it and he is my everything but I had room in my heart for Bob, Emily and his family too. I saw them as my family too and they just will never know how much this has hurt me and affected my life.This is Bob's legacy in my life. I'm left with a ravaged heart, no hope, broken dreams and a huge sense of emptiness. No, I will never be able to feel what I felt. I'm certain of that as the air I breathe and I know myself and this was not like any other heartbreak I had before. This was truly devastating. Damn him for ruining something so pure and beautiful, it wasn't a coincidence that our lives crossed paths the way they did and he knew it, HE KNEW IT!!!All those signs that continued to happen even after only a few days ago but he just doesn't get it!
Right now, at this moment I'm thinking about the fact that Bob will try to find someone all he wants but he will never, EVER find anyone who will love him and devote herself to him and Emily the way I did, no one better than me because I know I am a very good person and no one will give him what I did or make him feel the way I did. He knows that and I know it too. All those women he's had after me (he thinks I don't know but oh I know, even when I don't want to know, I hear about it) they have been nothing but play toys and they knew what he did to me and they didn't care. Like I said, what goes around comes around. Be selfish and uncaring like him. A person that does this to the so called love of his life is capable of perhaps doing worse to you. I really can't help but think now that he's a predator and a player. Most of my friends think so because what he did to me is despicable and he knows it. That's why he goes to great lengths to hide the truth and portray me as "crazy" and the bad one here.
Many of you know me in person and know this is so far from the truth. I'm so, so far from crazy. My only sin is to be too loving and caring about people that don't give a damn about hurting me and ruining my life the way he did. He can keep lying about me all he wants, eventually women do see him for what he really is. I believed in him so much and it really does kill me to say all this because it's hard to accept that the person you loved so much and saw yourself growing old with could be capable of doing all these things and more that only very few close friends know about that I don't really want to say here. I'm not an animal, in fact he treats animals better than he treated me on some occasions and it's not right and it's not fair. Yeah he can look and play with all those idiots all he wants, deep down he is searching for what I gave him but no one, NO ONE can give it to him because they are not me and he knows it better than anyone else. Of that, I'm 100% confident. I know how easy it can be to believe in him because he's really good with words...I trusted him and believed him. He had no right to do this to me. I truly devoted myself to him and I wouldn't even have eyes for anyone else, you could put the best looking man in front of me and I wouldn't care. He was all I had eyes for.
It's a shame he didn't appreciate it and chose to treat me the way he did...he will and should have to live with what he did to me. I hope that every time he drives home past my former street sign, he remembers how he used to walk past my place for months hoping I'd come out to talk to me since the day he met me when he followed me home; I hope he remembers that because of him, I'm not living there anymore and I lost that place; that instead I'm in a nice place yes, but freezing my butt off because it cost so much to heat up this place...temporary? yeah right. I got stuck with a lease and when it's up, I can't even get another place, I can't come up with $2500 this time like I had to back then to get another place, pay sec. first or last or even just sec and first. Yeah I hope he feels a pit in his stomach when he drives by every time!But most of all, knowing that he hurt me and destroyed my life, my dreams and my trust. And every time he'll run across an Italian song or anything that has to do with Italy, he will remember me singing Italian songs in his ear sometimes before we fell asleep and what he used to say, that I sounded just like Laura Pausini. I've been told that I'm very much still present in his mind and that maybe, that's why he's acting like a desperate dog in heat trying to fill the void with someone else but that will never happen because no one is like me or will give him what I gave him. And while he's out screwing around with some dumb, pathetic and desperate woman he had to pay for to get to talk to in those ridiculous personals, I'm here suffering for all the hell he's put me through and I'm grieving alone and I bet he didn't shed a single tear for the loss of our baby!I have no sympathy at all now, for those women he hooks up with online because they should know better, they should investigate specially if they know about what he did to me; those sites are playgrounds and hardly any happy endings come out of there. Nothing but players. The women can be just as bad as the men there. Not all of them but many of them. What do they think, that he won't do to them what he did to me? I guarantee he's hurt others after me and they finally saw what he is really like or they finally found out about what he did to me, the love of his life!
Yeah, hell of a nice guy right? So considerate, so honest hah! saying the same things he used to say to me to all the women he's been with because he can't keep it in his pants. I can almost hear him say to her what he said to me that "it hurts to leave to go to work in the morning and that he ached to come home to me." I bet he tells all those women the same things he used to say to me. A very good source has told me that these women are nothing but play toys and that his constant desperation to get with one after the other is a clear sign that something is seriously wrong with him and that it may have to do with the fact that he knew he had it all with me and he blew it for not having the courage to take a stand because there was no need for any of this and he knows it! I consulted with an expert in kids' cases for him and he said there was no way and that he didn't have to stop his plans to build a life with me. It was just a convenient excuse at the time. I don't claim to be a strong person but I fight for what's right and take a stand when needed.
*********
Some more messages from him, sent to me through Myspace:
Subject:
RE: I love you so much
Body:
Hi beautiful,Thanks for the email! It's nice to know that you are thinking of me. I am missing you as always....Im sorry that you are having a tough day, but things will be better soon I promise. School and work are so demanding and eat up all our time.I love you so much and cant wait until you get here!
Body:
Hi sweetie, I love you so much and love getting messages from you even though we see each other all the time. I have to hop in the shower and I'll be right there...can't wait to snuggle! *********
I've just finished posting the link to your journal; I hope it helps. 
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